There are some things we reflect upon mainly because of the phase of life we are in. When you’re my age you don’t think much anymore about impressing people, vocation in life, raising kids, making money, getting an education, or making one’s “mark.” Even the “Walter Mitty” musings have evaporated.
But health and death are another matter! They now replace all the others. What strikes me is that the truly selfless person is the one least likely to have anxieties about these. I’m not very good at being selfless. I know its importance spiritually and I wish I was better at it. I do think about death and my health and I do have anxieties about them. If I write to You here on this page that I can handle the anxieties it’s not so much a lie as it is a wish that it was so. Confiding this weakness to You is a prayer that You would help me with it. My greatest anxiety is not about the physical pain and discomfort that may come with failing health and death, but rather that I have failed to live the life God has given me in the best way possible. I am disturbed by all the time in my life that I have frittered away doing frivolous, passive, and useless things. I think to myself, if I totaled up all the time in my life I spent solely on myself with absolutely no benefit to even one other person, I’d be staring at a huge percentage of my life.
Time not spent in some way on at least one other person is wasted. Watching TV, having a cigar, listening to music, swimming, fishing, etc. involve no one but myself. Should these things make me anxious about dying? The answer that these are little pleasures in life that are needed to re-create ourselves - hence, recreation – still seems somewhat cryptic because it’s this “recreation” time that imparts tinges of guilt about not spending my life more wisely.