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Lord, Please teach me how to be a wife, I've put him out again.

My longest and hardest struggle 

 

 My earliest childhood memory of God, was Him talking to me,  I was about 6 yrs old, laying in my bed one night I said to Him, if that's you then make a light in that corner and I pointed to a corner in my bedroom, He said you couldn't handle it,  so I rolled over and went to sleep (remember I was 6 yrs old), recently I was asking God about that encounter because I am now 50 yrs. He allowed me to see the inoccence and trust I had for him back then, He let me know I had to trust Him like that little girl again, I  have been through quite a lot in my life, for years I was angry with God because He was the ultimate authority, and I felt He should have done something to stop all the abuse I experienced as a child. 

As a little girl I loved going to church, God was always telling me He was a God of Love and He knew how to fix us, but when I would go to church I didn't hear about the Love of God, I just heard about going to Hell, and if you didn't follow all the rules and regulations, come to church each Sunday, be in the choir, learn your Easter speech, you would go to Hell, so the foundation that was being laid was not Love but fear.  

As I grew older I would go to church every now and then, but I always left the church building inwardly asking God WHO, are they talking about, whenever I would try and tell my leadership that God said He was a God of love, I was told I didn't understand I was too young,  so I had nothing to say, I finally stop going to church, but I still heard the voice of the Lord,

Now after many years my life was out of control, I started using drugs, ran from man to man etc..., My thinking was something had to be wrong with me (My leadership had said so, they had to be right, they were the leaders leading us to God,), so it was me, the church rejected me, so I rejected it.  I spent years trying to run from God because I needed answers, I didn't want to hear you can't question God, that never made sense to me, why would God give us our mind and not want us to use them I wanted to know who I was and why I was created.

 I wanted to be healed inwardly and not just go to church and cover up what I felt inside with religion, I didn't want to sit in church with this church smile on my face like all was well,  but never getting free from the quilt, bitterness, anger, envy just to name a few, whenever I would ask a church member how do you deal with what you feel inside, I was always told "forgetting those things which are behind....),

I tried,  but it caused me to live a lie, how could I say I loved God truly, if I felt He didn't protect me as a little girl, I WANTED TO BE HEALED,  I figured if the people in church who should have been able to tell me the ways of God didn't know themselves I was better off on my own, like Paul,  I started to prosecute Christians (with my mouth), let me state I am in no way trying to equate myself with Paul, but that was the way God showed me,  me,

After many years of being confused and telling God about it, He moved in my life in such a mighty way, He took my aside and for 3 years I spent all my time crying and repenting, repenting and crying because of what He was showing me, He healed me inwardly of so much, but I had to deal with myself and look at the true me and it was not easy sometimesit hurt so bad,  but I was set free from so many wrong mind sets, He started developing compassion for others especially for my brother and sisters in Christ (the church people), God striped off all the mask I was living behind,   He starting teaching me about being born from above, about Kingdom living, and how to move away from the tomb and into living the new life in Christ

  I wanted to give you a little background so you could understand why I am writing this bog.

I want to obey God but I don't know how to be a wife, I know how to tear him down with my mouth, I know how to accuse him of what I perceive as unfaithfulness, I don't trust him, I am always afraid he is going to do something to hurt me, I don't know how to talk to him without fussing, I don't trust him to take care of all the household bills, and I need help. so please pray for me, yesterday I put him out once again, After my behavior with my husband and most of the time its for stupid stuff, I am always sorry, I am now in a place where I don't want him to come home,  until God has taught me how to love my husband, it is not fair to him to have to endure all the pain from my past relationships,  all the prior rejection I experienced,  I have become so used to being rejected I will start something to have him move out, my crazy thinking is one day he is going to leave anyway so why not accelerate his moving.

Out of all the mess God has dealt with me on, learning to be a wife is my hardest struggle, thus the title of this bog, I love my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and I love my husband I want to obey everything God says, after I put my husband out, I finally cried out to God to teach me how to be a wife, If there are other women of God who can give me advice, please Help.

 I have only been married to my husband for 5 yrs, and I met Him is a ministry, adultery has been committed in our marriage on both sides,  if I don't get myself together I will destroy my own marriage, Yes I will lay out prostate before God to be cleansed for my distrust, and the pain men have caused all my life, but this is a really hard one to deal with, One day God said to me Stephanie you trust me with so much of your life, but you don't trust me with your heart when it comes to Larry, which is my husband name, I have always went to God about my pain, but I need the women of God this time to help me, tell me how they have dealt with this.  your sister in Christ.

Mood: crappy
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