Home >> Blogs >> I am Deaf, Blind, and Dumb

this user is offline now  Loves8Servant
Send message


  Religion & Philosophy
  Goals, Plans, Hopes
  Romance & Relationships
  Writing & Poetry

February 2020
January 2020
December 2019
November 2019
October 2019
September 2019
August 2019
July 2019
June 2019
May 2019
April 2019
March 2019
February 2019
January 2019
December 2018
November 2018
October 2018
September 2018
August 2018
July 2018
June 2018
May 2018
April 2018
March 2018
February 2018
January 2018
December 2017
November 2017
October 2017
September 2017
August 2017
July 2017
June 2017
May 2017
April 2017
March 2017
February 2017
January 2017
December 2016
November 2016
October 2016
September 2016
August 2016
July 2016
June 2016
May 2016
April 2016
March 2016
February 2016
January 2016
December 2015
November 2015
October 2015
September 2015
August 2015
July 2015
June 2015
May 2015
April 2015
March 2015
February 2015
January 2015
December 2014
November 2014
October 2014
September 2014
August 2014
July 2014
June 2014
May 2014
April 2014
March 2014
February 2014
January 2014
December 2013
November 2013
October 2013
September 2013
August 2013
July 2013
June 2013
May 2013
April 2013
March 2013
February 2013
January 2013
December 2012
November 2012
October 2012
September 2012
August 2012
July 2012
June 2012
May 2012
April 2012
March 2012
February 2012
January 2012
December 2011
November 2011
October 2011
September 2011
August 2011
July 2011
June 2011
May 2011
April 2011
March 2011
February 2011
January 2011
December 2010
November 2010
October 2010
September 2010
August 2010
July 2010
June 2010
May 2010
April 2010
March 2010
February 2010
January 2010
December 2009
November 2009
October 2009
September 2009
August 2009
July 2009
June 2009
May 2009
April 2009
March 2009
February 2009
January 2009
December 2008
November 2008
October 2008
September 2008
August 2008
July 2008
June 2008
May 2008
April 2008
March 2008
February 2008
January 2008
December 2007
November 2007
October 2007
September 2007
August 2007
July 2007
June 2007
May 2007
April 2007
March 2007
February 2007
January 2007
December 2006
November 2006
October 2006
September 2006
August 2006
July 2006
June 2006
May 2006
April 2006
March 2006
February 2006
January 2006
December 2005
November 2005
October 2005
September 2005
August 2005
July 2005
June 2005
May 2005
April 2005
March 2005
February 2005
January 2005
December 2004
November 2004
October 2004
September 2004
August 2004
July 2004
June 2004
May 2004
April 2004
March 2004
February 2004
January 2004
December 2003
November 2003
October 2003
September 2003
August 2003
July 2003
June 2003
May 2003
April 2003
March 2003
February 2003
January 2003
December 2002
November 2002
October 2002
September 2002
August 2002
July 2002
June 2002
May 2002
April 2002
March 2002
February 2002
January 2002

Who Gives Kudos:


   Wednesday, May 2, 2012

I am Deaf, Blind, and Dumb


“(1) Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. (2) Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—His good, pleasing and perfect will.” (Romans 12:1-2)
                This is a fitting note to ponder over considering just last night I finally yielded to the Holy Spirit and changed my name to Lael (Lay-el). This was not an easy decision. I will admit I haven’t even told my mom yet. To be honest I am nervous about doing this. I have no idea how she will react I just know it won’t be a good reaction. It is a matter I am praying over. But what this has made me wonder about is how many other urgings of the Holy Ghost am I disobeying? How many commands has H.G. given me that I am completely unaware of because I am so wrapped up in my life? The honest number frightens me.
                Here I thought I was pretty good at listening to the Holy Ghost. Last night shamed me, proved me wrong. And that was a command H.G. had been pressing on my heart for years. What other areas of my life am I completely failing at in the offering of being a living sacrifice?  This is not a fun list to compile. As I start to think about this list I cringe and find myself getting physically lower and closer to the ground. I can only guess this is an inkling of what people in the Bible felt when they were confronted with God, Jesus, or an angle … and they fell on their face. I am truly sorry Holy Ghost that I am so deaf, blind, and dumb.
                ‘In view of God’s mercy.’ A mercy I am so ill-deserving of. If this sin of mine makes me want to wretch I can’t imagine how it makes God feel. I can’t imagine how many times I have broken the heart of the Holy Ghost. He is with me always, talking to me to guide me in the right direction. And I ignore Him. I go on about my day as if He isn’t even there. The closest thing I can akin this to would be having my fiancé at my side all day every day and simply ignoring his existence because I don’t need him. Which is a complete lie. I do need Jeremy. I need H.G. even more. So why is it so danged hard to listen to Him?
                Because I am completely conformed to the pattern of this world. I get caught up in the wants of my flesh, in the distractions of the world, and the whispering s of the enemy that I really don’t make time for the Holy Ghost to do His work in me and through me. This means I am not truly and properly worshipping God. This, in itself, is a terrifying and horrifying thought. I dread the day of falling on my face before the throne of Christ … and Him showing me every missed, ignored, and denied opportunity I had to be a living sacrifice for Him. I know there will be a ton of them. I am a Chief among sinners. I screw up all the time.
                Just today I was listening to a sermon on the internet and I found my flesh wanting to distract myself with other things. Not because the sermon wasn’t intense or wonderful. It was simply because my fingers and mouse could click the button at the same time my ears are hearing. I corrected myself of this no less than four times in the hour my Pastor was talking. The Holy Ghost was poking at me, and giving me the strength to deny the need of my flesh to always be multitasking. When I am at Church it is easy to sit still and listen with all my soul to what is being said. But when I am home … my mind tells my body of all the other things that need to get done that I could be getting done while I ‘listened’ to the sermon. The ginormous problem with this is … that wouldn’t be listening. I would be hearing. I wouldn’t be paying attention to the depths of my soul. I wouldn’t be availing myself to hear the soft whispering of the Holy Ghost to the things He wants me to work on, notice, or be convicted of. I become Martha who passes up time at Jesus’ feet because she has a list to complete.
                The only list I should be completing is how to become holy and pleasing to God. The only ‘to dos' I need to really pay attention to are the things H.G. brings to my attention. That is if He can get me to pay attention. Yesterday I thought I was paying attention attentively. I figured I was actually pretty good at this. I am so completely, utterly, and dead wrong.
                My life needs to be about God’s will. It’s not that it ‘should be’ or that it ‘would be nice if’ it was all about God’s will. It NEEDS to be about God’s will. My heavenly Daddy is perfect, good, and altogether wonderful. If I would just listen to the Holy Ghost I can’t even fathom where I would be right now.   I want my life, heart, and soul to be so close and tight with H.G. that someone might mistake us for a twizzler. 
                I am not a living sacrifice right now. If I died tonight I don’t know if the light and love of Christ would be left in my wake. Would people know Lael, or would they only remember all the things that Sarah did? I am stunned into shame when I sit here thinking about all the ways I have failed to let Jesus’ light shine through me. I don’t want people to say “Wow, she really loved Jesus.” That would be nice. What is nicer is what is said about the apostle John. John is the beloved one of Christ. The fact that John loved Jesus was so known, common, and consistent that everyone knew he loved the LORD. What was more surprising, noteworthy, and shocking to people is how much Christ’s love for John shown throughout his life. And I am certain that love spilled out of John onto everyone he met. Jesus is like that. God is perfect, pleasing and good.
                 Every moment of my life is an act of worship. Am I worshiping the LORD as John did? And if I am not what in the heck am I worshiping with every breath? I don’t like this about me. I am a perfectionist so I really hate being this bad at something. I know I need to slow down. I know I need to be in prayer more, constantly, with H.G. so I can strengthen my recognition of His voice. I know I need to be in my Bible more so that I may get to know my God and my Savior better. I know I never will be perfect at any of this, but the truth of the matter is I could be doing a heck of a lot better than I am right now.
                So tonight I am frustrated and ashamed. The good news is that tomorrow I am given a clean slate, a fresh start. I know for certain that as I type these words out I am already forgiven … and thus I am spotless and without blemish … a pure white sheep before the Lamb of God. The good news is that God is merciful and loving. He gave us His only Son, Jesus Christ. The good news is that no matter how many times I screw this up—and trust me it will be a lot—the Holy Ghost will never give up on me. God will never abandon me. And Christ will never let me go. I am loved of God, and thankfully He has graced me with more chances to shine His abundant love onto everyone around me.
                Abba, Father … thank you Daddy for being so good to me. Thank you for your long suffering patient with this fallen, lost sheep. You amaze me at the depths of love You will go to for me, and for us. I know my understanding of all of this puts me in the kiddy pool of the ocean of Your affection for us. I am so sorry for my countless missed chances, but I am eternally grateful for the slew and magnitude of chances You will continue to bestow on me. Holy Ghost, please help me get out of my own way. Please help me to unplug my ears, and open my eyes, so that I may receive Your guidance and love. Jesus I yearn to be a living sacrifice for You and to You. I hunger to truly and properly worship You. I know I will never get this perfect, and probably not even close to good. I will continue trying, though. Thank You sooo much that Your mercy, righteousness, and forgiveness has nothing at all to do with my works … but are wholly dependent on Your work through the cross. I do love You so much. I will strive to be a more agreeable sheep tomorrow. I am sorry You have to keep hiking through rough terrain to find me, and bring me back to the flock. At the same time I am so glad You do.
                I pray that one day You will find all my friends and family. Please keep them out of Hell. Holy Ghost would you please work on their hearts as You work on mine. In Jesus’ name I pray all these things and more …the longings of my heart … Amen.
3:26 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add comment 

Copyright © 2009 - 2012 True2ourselves. All rights reserved.
Reproduction in whole or in part in any form or medium without express written permission is prohibited.