How very far I am from You despite all the things I think I do to be close. The Jesuit spiritual writer, Anthony DeMello, points out that the deeper we get into prayer the more we realize the great distance between us and God. It becomes scary when we work hard at cultivating things that would draw us closer to You only to realize more clearly how far from You we are. The contradiction between my intent and its results might come from the fact that the God I meet in prayer lays bare my self and I see the reality of how far it is from where I want to be.
DeMello says further that if we truly want to meet God we must be ready to hear His voice calling us to do things we may not like. This seems to be born out in the experiences of spiritual author, Bernadette Roberts, as described in her book, The Experience of No Self, and it certainly holds in terms of You, God’s own Son. To draw all things to Your Father You were called to do things You may not have chosen.
There is pain in answering the call to die to ourselves. In this pain the distance between us and God is magnified. We, quite frankly, do not have the strength to answer this call on our own. Here is where trust comes in. As weak as we are and as distant as we perceive ourselves to be, God knows this. On our own it is not possible to close the gap. Yet God will give us what we need if we but trust in what he is saying and in the way(s) He chooses to touch us. That which keeps God from fading into the distance until He becomes but a spot on the horizon is the desire to be closer. And You see this desire. You’ve experienced it. You know its honesty and sincerity or lack thereof.
It is in terms of my desire that I perceive You at times as closer to me than at other times. Whether, in actual fact, You are – I don’t know. But there are things I don’t know for sure but I believe. What, then, it comes down to is faith; first the belief, then the love, and then the hope. You see how our desire for You is governed by this and You draw us to Yourself no matter at what distance we perceive You.