Sometimes, through the coincidences of a single theme running through many sources during the course of a day, I become convinced that there is something You are trying to convey to me. If it comes through once, OK – fleeting attention.If twice, I take more notice. If three, four, or five times in a day, You’ve got my attention. When it gets to this stage I become convinced that it’s not just me.
This has happened frequently, and when it does it lingers with me for awhile. I invariably end up writing to You about it. I want You to know that I hear You. I’m saying this to You here because of the recurring memo You sent me yesterday about laying myself totally at Your feet. Abandoning myself. Surrendering myself. Letting myself go and trusting You. I should, at any given moment, be able to say, ’here I am, Lord, do with me what You will.’ This is the same thing Your life said to Your Father and, for a Christian, Your life is our model.
Fear may be the biggest factor in preventing us from doing this. Yet the fear of not doing it should be greater. If we fear we are sinful, unworthy wretches whom we imagine You would want no part of and have nothing to offer You, we have closed the door in Your face. Such fear and masochistic brow-beating liquidates the smiling, joyful, excited feeling of knowing that placing ourselves and all that we are at Your disposal and saying, ‘do with me what You will,’ is what You want from us as it was what the Father wanted of You.
We spend a lifetime trying to be a better version of who we are. We envision what this means and we make plans. When we fall short or mess up we feel disappointed and upset. We get down on ourselves, We convince ourselves that all our negative feelings about ourselves are exactly what You feel about us. In my mind, if my conscience aches it is because You ache with disappointment in me. Yet it is at just such times that we most need to place ourselves at Your feet, trust You, and say, ‘do with me what You will.’ The hard-to-comprehend truth of the matter is that You do not feel as badly about us as we feel about ourselves. You want us, no matter how miserable we feel with ourselves, to say, ‘here I am, Lord, ’ and give ourselves over to Your love.
What I’m getting from this message is simply this: while I am continually drawn to be something else (which is good), all I have to place at Your feet at the moment is what I am. And that’s what You want me to do.