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Searching for hope on the rez

I keep wondering when life is going to change here. But a part of me believes strongly that it's not. Everything has officialized that no matter what happens the pastor and his wife are leaving come May. Church members are moving out of this area. And the church life itself is looking more dismal. What has happened to the faith that one surrounded the church? What happened to the heart? Is all of life bleeding out the sad rapture? Faith merely subsides within the team that comes up. But how long would that last? How long could they keep attention? Or bring people in to sit at the pews? I give it maybe a month but the church would still be empty.
Maybe the pastor is right. Maybe a new voice is needed. Maybe the thought of someone new there people would be curious and come and sit to see. Just Maybe. searching for hope anywhere somewhere and it's none to be found. Maybe someday, things will change.
There is a pow wow coming up. Even though culturally that's where I should be. Packed in a room so small that you can hardly move. Listening to people laughing and joking but I figure why bother? No one will speak to me. I will still be alone. Idk what I did to anyone but whatever it was, I know it's not right. Everything about me screams, "SHE'S DIFFERENT WALK AWAY!" And that they do. That they will forever do.
No more proof is needed than that from last night. It was cold. Bitter cold and I had to go to the store after we left my mom's. As I was at the corner and rounding the bend when my neighbor drove right by me, I was hoping maybe she'd stop and ask if I needed a ride. To no prevail she just kept driving.
My knees were buckling as I finally made it closer to home. And who do I see but my love walking down to see me. :) He came to help me carry my small of bag and made sure I made it back safe. Thank you. was all I could say. I got inside bitten by the cold. Trying to get warm seemed like an effort.
Told him about my disappointment of our neighbor, but no surprise there. I took a warm shower, warm pajamas and crawled into bed. I didn't care at all the time was only 6. I wanted warmth. Hours passed and I just laid awake. Not caring. My body grew stiff and the anger grew inside of me due to the pain that I was feeling yesterday. I still feel it today. :( So not fair.
But morning has risen and there are chores to be done. I should get started and started now. For no one else will do this for me. Just me and only me!

Mood: blank
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