Lord I pray you bless me to express those things you want known in a way that blesses the one reading my post... This is all for you God!
I find myself in extremely unfamilar territory! For whatever reason I'm supposed to write this blog and tell my story. It is something I keep hearing in my spirit... Please believe when I tell you I'm doing this out of obedeince because I wouldn't do this on my own... I don't know anything about blogs so please be patient...
I've been a believer in Jesus Christ for about 15 years now. I attended church when I was a child with different family members or on whatever church bus came through my neighborhood. My parents weren't/aren't what I would call spiritual and I really didn't have a real understanding of faith or a real relationship with God. I was so confused and disillusioned by what I thought Christianity was that I didn't want any part of it. Yet I still had this desire for a spiritual connection ... I saw it in other people and I wanted what they had, so I prayed and asked God to reveal himself to me to show me how I'm supposed to have a relationship with him...
At that point I was about 33 yrs old, I had been divorced for about 3 yrs I had an 11yr old son and I was struggling to figure out who I was -because up to that point my life had been defined by what other people expected of me, first my parents then my husband... for the first time I had no one to answer to or tell me what to do... Having lived most of my life as a perfectionist I finally gave myself permission to make mistakes and go out there and see what life was all about... and let me tell you I took a walk on the wild side!!!
Now by today's standards it was probably a pretty mild foray on the wild side ... Drinking, marijuana and promiscuity but it was far differnent than how I had ever behaved. It also caused problems with my family but I told them in no uncertain term it wasn't any of their business and if they didn't like it they didn't have to be a part of my life.
When I think of the situations I put myself in and things I did, I truly thank God for his grace and mercy because I was a mess. Thankfully that only lasted about six months; it got really old,real fast!
I was tired of partying and carrying on... it wasn't me...
About that time a "friend" of mine was seeing a man who had gotten in some trouble and had been arrested and was in jail. I knew the man we had all gone out together... My friend asked me if I would go see him in jail one day because she couldn't go and she didn't want him to miss a visit?? Still confused I agreed to go see him. It was during that visit he told me he had been talking about my friend and I and how cool we were to a new friend of his and his "new friend" wanted to meet me... Can you guess where this is going?
If you guessed that I became involved with "thenew friend who wanted to meet me"... You are right~ I was so naive about everything... I've always been an accepting person, non-judgemental- maybe because I always wanted acceptance from other people... anyway -the friend of course had all the right things to say and he was going to be getting out soon and wanted to know if he could see me. ( this goes from bad to worse) I said yes and we began to write back and forth and I was in love... as it turns out he has to spend a little more time in jail than he thought but says he loves me and doesn't want to lose me and asked me to marry him! To be continued...
Okay so I'm completely new at this and I don't know if I'm supposed to add to what I've already written or post a new blog but it seemed to make the most sense to add to what I've already started so I'll go with that...
So the man I've been talking to (who happens to be in jail) asked me to marry him and ... I said yes! I know it seems completely crazy... and it was crazy. I hadn't had a chance to know this person outside the confines of jail. I have no real way of knowing if he is the "person" he says he is...I was so naive and foolish and so hungry for someone to love me the way he said he loved me. We actually got married while he was still in jail so he would have a place to be released to while on parole.
The day comes that I'm actually going to pick him up and we are going to start living our happily ever after... I was so excited I could hardly contain myself, I know things may be a little akward and I'm prepared for that but he didn't behave at all like I expected. I had arranged for my son to spend the night with family so we could be alone but he seemed more interested in getting back over to his old neighborhood... this doesn't bode well... and as you have probably figured out he was only interested what I could do for him or what he could get out of me.
He was a drug addict and I was a means to an end... I was truly shaken to the core... I thought I finally found my Prince Charming! It took me about a week to figure he had no intentions of living a normal life or being a husband. He had been "home" a couple of months or so and I found out I was pregnant.
I was so scared because I knew I couldn't count on this man to do anything that even seemed like the right thing... and as it turns out he stole my money and beat and raped me knowing I was pregnant with his child.
The night it happened I remembered praying as it was all unraveling - God to please just let me get back home to my son! Please God please just let me get back home to my son! He had use a rouse about helping me with some tires on my car to get me to come over to where he was... when I got there I could tell he was high and tried to leave but he let me know he had other plans and he hit me so hard I literally saw stars!
I was in shock...I had never been treated like this and I was scared...now I'm a big girl, I'm 6'1" and I carry some weight but he was bigger and stronger than me - I'm not I fighter so I knew I didn't stand a chance trying to fight back...
So I try talking my way out of the situation but his plans were to take my ATM card and go get some more drugs - everytime I said something he didn't like he would hit me mainly in the face!
I guess when he felt he had beaten me down enough he told me to go to the bathroom and get cleaned up - because by this point I was a bloody mess, he had busted my nose a couple of times and I had scratches on my face from his finger nails when he backhanded me ... anyway I'm in the bathroom trying to clean my face which is painful to do and he follows me into the bathroom - I guess I wasn't moving fast enough for him because he backhands me so hard he knocked me off of my feet and at that point I black out. I wake up with him kicking at me to get up.
I manage to get up and we leave where he has been staying and he tells me to drive to the ATM machine and get some money, I lied to him and told him I only had $40.00 in the bank and thank God! he believed me because if he were able to get more drug that night I don't know if I would be here.
Once he had the money he went straight to the dope house and got the drugs he was after but he wasn't finished with me, he wanted to go "party" with the drugs he had just gotten takes me to a cheap hotel room (one you rent by the hour) and rapes me. When he is done and his high is wearing off he starts getting scared that I would go to the police and he would go back to jail... I am seriously terrified at this point because I'm afraid he is going to kill me so I can't call the police... I forgot to mention that when all this started he took my wallet with all my identification in it - so there is nothing on me or with me that would identify me if he did kill me and I'm thinking he's going to kill me and no one will know who I am when they find me... and my son who is only 11 is expecting me home and I'm already so late I know he is worried and scared... I have never been in fear of my life before that moment but I was truly afraid I wouldn't make it back to my son.
God saved me that night! ... I don't know what I said to the man that was supposed to love me to convinced him I wouldn't call the police but he let me go! I got out of there as fast as I could. I didn't stop until I was home... I ran red lights and stop signs I wasn't afraid of being pulled over because I could only think of getting home to my son.
When I did get home I scared my son half to death because I was still all bloody and my face was all bruised up, my nose was busted and swollen and that last hit that knocked me off my feet, busted my mouth and put my tooth through my lip.
I was pretty scary to look at and my son was afraid I was seriously hurt. I really don't remember a lot of what happened after that ... I think my son called 911 and the police came... They wanted me to give them my husbands information but I was so scared he would come to my home I didn't give them any information... they wanted to call the peramedics to look at me but I told them my family was on the way over and they would take me to the ER. I ended up with some stitches in my lip and a lot of bruising to my face but thankfully nothing broken -- it was a long long time before I ever told anyone my husband actually raped me.
I made it through that night thanks to God's grace and mercy. It could have so easily gone the other way... But God heard my prayers and saved my life that night even though I really didn't know him.
That story is true and sooo embarassing to tell. Again I'm not doing this for me, I'm writting this blog out of obedience because of what I believe the Holy Spirit has instructed me to do.Maybe it's so I can die to my self and my own will... maybe it's so someone else can some how learn from my mistakes, I seriously don't know- but I hope God is pleased with my obedience. I love you Jesus and truly want know you. Thank you for saving me!
There will be more of my story to come. I hope I can some how bless someone else with the things I've experience and have overcome through God's Grace and Mercy.