Consciousness of being is inextricably meshed with self. If we are breathing and sentient there is self. It is, despite what the writer Bernadette Roberts says, quite impossible to totally eradicate self in a sustained manner. In the conception of “no self” there is self. But I do believe that there are instances when, for short periods, self can be unconsciously erased. But that is not precisely what I wanted to talk to You about today.
What’s really on my mind is the problem of being frustrated by knowing that because of consciousness (self) I end up so often seeking self when I think I’m seeking You. I mark off hundreds of insightful thoughts and ideas in what I read that I think provide me with the food my spirit needs to grow. Cafeteria-style, I pick and choose what strikes me. Then I meditate on it – sometimes for days. You see how I cannot extricate my self from my spirit! But what’s the alternative?
Actually, there doesn’t seem to be an alternative. If I stop altogether the implementation of ways to seek You and make You more present in my life because I fear they end up being ways I only seek myself, then fear rather than love becomes the rule of my life. Let’s face it, the only way You can reach me is through my self. If You have to deal with it why should not I? Rather than fearing that I miss You by seeking myself, why do I not see You in that self and that self in You? Why should I fear what is a bridge (maybe the only bridge) between You and me?
It might be good to reflect on how, when I seek You, an awareness of self may be a help rather than a hindrance. There must be self and other for a relationship. Abandoning the selfish interests of the self is one thing but abandoning the self altogether is another.