I'm becoming such a horrible person, so starting today, during the wee hours of the morning basically, I decided to start my blog off with a note to God.
Oh my :'(, I don't feel so hot about myself right now. No one will listen, no one cares about me trying to live a good Christian life. If I even mention God around my Dad or my Mom, they both get scared and they think I'm going insane again. It's a long story, but basically, I went overboard on praying and I basically ended up in a mental ward. But, now that I'm on medicine and I'm doing better I thought they would look past that. Now I can't even pray around them, or even sometimes in my own room. I dunno what else to do. Oh Jesus, this is the only thing I can think of to do. I've got to change my ways, I've got to get back to you, because lately I've been addicted to the images of pornography. I dunno where to turn though, I just :'(, I don't want to end up in hell. Oh Jesus, I just don't want to be a part of that filth down there....but no one here understands me. I'm 21, I haven't moved out nor am I in college yet (So I still live under my parents roof), I have no friends my age (I never had any friends my age), I don't feel like I belong. I cry almost all the time, and sometimes I'll look out my window just waiting to get out of here, because I want to be able to feel peaceful. I used to not be this way. I used to be so peaceful, so loving, so full of joy, and when I entered high school...all of that changed. All of that changed, all because I just wanted to fit in. And look where that got me?! Sure, I try to do good things like clean up around the house everyday, make supper everyday, and clean dishes everyday. I try to live a good life, but I feel just so crumby about myself almost all the time. I go to therapy all the time, because I'm so socially anxious around anyone anymore. So, I guess I'm going to need to start praying when I'm alone in the house or when I get the chance again, because I just don't feel good about myself anymore. I doubt myself, I'm so much more paranoid than I ever have been before, I have that addiction problem. I just want Jesus, I literally thirst for this change in my life, but how can I possibly start when everyone around me doesn't view me in the same light that they did before? How can I change when I'm loosing confidence in my own abilities? Well, when school starts up for my other brothers and when my Dad is off at work, I think I'll secretly start praying. I can't believe I even have to do that, but, I cannot change anything unless I make it happen....and the more time I waste on this Earth, the less time I have to make it happen. So...starting today, I'm going to change. I may not be able to pray a rosary yet, but, I can at least say small prayers everyday from the heart.
Today, I will think about the virtue of charity. What can I do to help someone today? What can I do to learn to love someone today? What random act of kindess can I perform today?
Believe in yourself. God created you to love and to be loved by him. He knows your heart and hears your prayers. Trust him. He is your best friend and is with you always. He will never leave you, he loves you so much. His desire is for you to fall in love with him and trust him because his love is unconditional. No matter what you do, he will still love you, but his desire is that you listen in your heart for him to speak to you and let you feel that love.