Well, first I'd like to welcome you to my blog. I decided to start blogging again because I've been quite overwhelmed with life lately. People looking in see me as a woman with everything all together. People think my life is just DANDY! Well, any christian knows that being a CHRISTIAN is not easy...trial and tribulations are always popping up. However, those same trials make you stronger. SOOOOO, I'm hoping this blog will allow me to vent and maybe to encourage others going thru some of my same situations...plus I'm supposed to be keeping a journal for my Women's Connect group but I HATE WRITING BY HAND...Computers are my best-friend (SMILE)!
A little background....I'm a 26 year old female from VA. I'm a mother to a beautiful but very rambunctious 6 year old who I love more than life itself. Career- I'm a special education school teacher...I love children! I work with students who have severe disabilities so they hit, spit, bite, kick etc...and usually have to be put into restraints to calm them down. Doing restraints is very draining and always leaves me contemplating a job switch. Personally- I'm great at managing things for other people but terrible at managing things when it comes to me. I'm in the process of PURGING! I'm purging my home of clutter. I'm a shopaholic but only for deals...I can't let a good deal go to waste. So, I have an overabundance of clothes, shoes, accessories, food, and even HAIR. However, I know that a home free of clutter allows you to have a mind free of clutter and I definitely need to FOCUS! Another issue I have is that I'm a single mom and I get stressed out with doing everything on my own. I honestly have no help... I do everything by myself. I have to beg my family to actually take my son so I can get some me time. One day I just dropped my son off at my moms and told her " I need a day!" and just left. I ended up going back home and just resting...something I never get to do. To combat this I enrolled my son in Boys and Girls club and it is definitely a BLESSING! Like I said before I LOVE MY SON but all moms need some time for themselves. A personal issue that really doesn't bother me because I'm learning that I'm actually an introvert who becomes an extrovert around friends, family, and familiar people, is MEN. So, I have no problem finding men but none of them are up to my standards. I don't believe I have to settle and I really want a man who is equally yoked. However, EX'S are always popping up out of the woodwork and my thought is that "they are an ex for a reason". Usually the ex's show me exactly why I cut them loose but there is ONE ex who I can't shake. I'll get into that more as the weeks go on... Last personal issue is that my son's father is not in his life. His stand on things is that I took him to court for child support (because he had stopped helping financially for 9 months) so he feels as if he only owes my son financial support and his other son physical support. However, he will be in my son's life if I'm willing to "give in" to him which I refuse to do....when he does make contact with me/my son he has ulterior motives. So at this moment he won't have anything to do with my son. I thought I was at peace with this because my son hasn't asked about this man since like Feb of this year but I want him to love my son the way I love him. I keep reaching out to my son's father because his mom says that he wants to be in my sons life but he is waiting on me to make the first step...I'm just not sure what the step he is looking for is...????
OK, so now to the Spiritual struggles- So, I've always been very active in the church ever since I was 3yrs old. The only thing that resignated in my head was "Only what you do for God will last." So, I dedicated all my time to the church. I was in the church 5 or 6 days/nights out of the week. Plus, I had a career, child (who does karate and sports), and a home to maintain. , I had been fighting with my spirit for the last 3 years because my body and mind were tired. I needed a BREAK. A more serious issue was that I didn't feel a connection to my church anymore. Many people won't understand this but I don't mean a connection to the people...I mean a spiritual connection. I wasn't being FED! I'm STRIVING FOR GREATNESS! Meaning I'm not there yet. I need GUIDANCE and SUPPORT. Yes, I'm going to back-slide but instead of the church looking down on me I need them to encourage me and uplift me. These are things that my church and Pastor aren't capable of giving me. I feel like the only thing keeping me there are my ties to the activities I'm involved in. So, at first I decided to just take a month off from my church and visit other churches. WOW...that one month was so refreshing. When I go to church I want a worship experience. I don't want to feel as if I'm just going through the motions and that is one of the things I seek. I have been back to my home church and the people there are so cruel...yet they are CHRISTIANS. Only after a month, the groups I was in were treating me like I didn't exist...they were ignoring the fact that I was still apart of the groups. In my mind I kept thinking of all the time I dedicated and how I fought so hard to get groups started. Then that word comes!!! Isn't it funny how when you begin to doubt a choice you have made GOD sends someone in tell you that u are on the right path and that it is gonna get HARDER before it get's EASIER. I realized that my saying " Sit back and let others shine, I'll get my SHINE in due time (HEAVEN.) is all that is owed to me. Those "Christians" don't owe me a "Hi, Bye, or thank you" because I DIDN"T DO ANY OF IT FOR THEM!!! I did it to be PLEASING to my FATHER, who never judges me or forsakes me. That was the last reassuring fact that the LORD was calling me to MOVE and that I was being HARDHEADED. We get so comfortable with where we are in life, relationships, etc...that we don't stop to listen to what God is telling us. Tonight , I attended another Women's Connect group (I LOVE THESE WOMEN!) and they are so supportive and reassuring. These women are definitely touched by God and I love being surrounded by a group of women are also striving to reach their higher calling. So, I'll end by saying tonight opened my eyes and I realized I need to get FOCUSED and stop letting these other distractions take me off my path. This is gonna be HARD but I know I can do ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST WHO STRENGTHENS ME! SO, I'm dedicating my life to GOD AGAIN!!! lol... I laugh because Christians I'm used to never admit that they have room to grow or see the need to recommit themselves to Christ. THEY ARE PERFECT...in only their own eyes of course. I always see ways that I can get better and grow stronger in the Lord. SO pray for me and I'll pray for you.