Getting ready to log into Celebrate Recovery via Sype to my dear friend and pastor Kelly. She logs me in through her laptop, and I attend the meeting through webcams.
I need to feel a love! I need to feel acceptance. I need to feel comrodery! I need to feel like it will all be okay someday... I realize that I should feel all of the above from my relationship with Jesus Christ. But the truth is I don't feel those things today, and truthfully, not at all lately.
My husband David is drinking again, and I am so scared! If I let myself actually delve into that fear I could scream and scream.... And perhaps never stop screaming...
I have worked on my codependency. That's what Celebrate Recovery is all about. Since moving here to AZ last November, I have only attended CR once. We can't find a church like we had in Northern KY. And my spiritual life is nothing like it used to be. The Lord and I were communicating practically on an hourly basis back home. But here.... no- it is a lonely and God-less place. I know it is a place of my own making, but I can't seem to find my way back to Him- to my reason for being, to my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.
I feel myself falling down the hole of terrifying pain and lonliness again!!! Lord, please help me find you again!
I pray the Lord shows up during my webcam session with CR and renews my strength to fight this monster.