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Yet Another Time Around the Mountain

I love God and I know He loves me. He has been so patient, so loving in many ways. He has corrected me because of His love. He has shown me the way because of His love.He lets me attempt to walk out what I have been taught. He allows me to fail.

I hate to fail.It makes me miserable because I have disappointed myself and I feel I have let God down. Thank goodness His ways are higher than our ways. He knows I learn from my mistakes and disappointments and loves me enough to allow me to suffer through situations that will strengthen me in the long run.

My most recent situation I messed up was once again in the area of trust and surrender. I tell myself I have done this but when the rubber hits the road the outcome isn't what I think it should be.

God has shown me a truth in my life that is a result of my upbringing and needs to be corrected. It has been more of a battle than I thought it would be. My soulish man doesn't want to let go. As soon as I give it up, I get hit with another incident that tempts me and leaves me confused.

My mother enjoyed ill health. She dragged me from doctor to doctor when I was under age.Things were magnified - things that weren't so terrible were blown up as awful. I didn't know any better. It was the only time this woman, who did not love me, showed me any positive attention.

As a result of lack of attention in a normal way and a lack of love, I suffer with a variety of physical problems and have sought after doctors for answers. After years of this, many incompetent doctors have been eliminated and God has provided me with doctors who enjoy a challenge and have great patience. I have diagnosed, proven diseases that are rare. I do not respond well to most medications so alternative medicine is best for me. Osteopaths and OMT, as well as massage therapy, work best.

On my plate I currently have the possibility of a serious surgery to correct an artery that is being crushed every time I exhale and is disrupting my digestive system.It is very rare and I have been to two major cities for help.I've given that to the Lord and it doesn't interfere with my daily life. I also am awaiting a trial of a spinal cord stimulator to help with the pain in my lower back and both legs, and especially my right foot. I gave that to the Lord and then took it back. I've since given it back. There is a question about the circulation in my legs and feet. Tests have shown for years that I have PAD. A recent MRA says I have no vascular disease. Both feet and legs below my knees turn stone cold, my right a little worse than my left. The color when lying down is white, when standing a dusky purple. Then there is the pain. Something has to be causing it besides the three surgeries I've had on my right foot.I hope someone knows the truth.I have a hard time giving that one up.

I was told by a doctor that I trust that I am to give up gardening. I love to garden and have already started plants in my house. I asked him again the other day and he said that for the condition my body is in I shouldn't be bending over or stretching. I tearfully agreed and recalled the story of someone else being asked by God to give up gardening as it was taking time away from a greater and deeper purpose. Perhaps that's the right thing to do as I have not fulfilled what I feel I'm called to. I struggled but gave it up with strings attached. That doesn't work! As soon as another doctor said I should be gardening because it's something I enjoy so much those strings tied me up into a mess - confusion and double mindedness reign.

I have thought of container gardening, of teaching my grandkids about gardening,and trying to figure what position I could get in and not bend or stretch to get the work done. I haven't done what I need to. I need to get with God, wipe my mind clear, and pray for His will to be done. Right now I can't tell if He is speaking to me with all the confusion and my own selfish wishes clouding my hearing and seeing.I trust He will answer but will I hear? I pray so.

"Trust and obey for there is no other way to be happy in Jesus than to trust and obey."


Mood: confused
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