33 Oh, the depth of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable his judgments,
and his paths beyond tracing out! 34“Who has known the mind of the Lord?
Or who has been his counselor?” 35 “Who has ever given to God,
that God should repay them?” 36 For from him and through him and for him are all things.
To him be the glory forever! Amen.
All begun 3 weeks ago. With e-mail from my fiance. We have been together for 2 years and was going to get married in 2 months. That was e-mail saying he is braking up with me. After that was 2 weeks of deep suffering, pain and depression, lots of talking to him on skype and lots of tears and lots of questions and just complete hopelessness. Only week ago I made the decision that I have to really do something. I deleted his phone number, e-mail address, all messages and deleted him and all his friends and family from my facebook page. Said one last time him that I still love him and that I can't be friends and not gonna be. That it is too painful and wrong. That I don't need him as a friend if I want still something more. And that was it. I haven't cried after that or been desperate or lost.
This week I have made my way back to normal life. I started to enjoy things again, I started to go to gym again, eating food, love sitting in lectures and learning new stuff in uni. But none of all this I have done myself. I always wanted to cling to Jesus no matter what happens in my life. But now I understood that He has been holding on to me all the time. All I have done is - I never let go. I did let Him hold me. But still He did all the job.
Now I am at the point in my life where I have learned TONS! And not from books or other people but from my own experience. I can see these changes in me and still am amazed. I finally have had encounter with God what is not only emotions. I have found Him deep inside my heart. That always have been struggle for me. To see God in church or in people or in nature, yes please. When people say God is in your heart - well sounds good but kinda too spiritual and mystically abstract. That is my bigger gain from all this suffering and pain - I have found God IN me. Now I cannot survive my day without having encounter with God in my heart at least several hrs a day. Preferably not all at once but morning, middle of the day and evening pattern suits me better. Even if I leave it only morning and night I cannot make it through the day, in some point I start getting thoughts I clearly know Devil is trying to put again and again in my head so I start to feel miserable, lost, bad, left, lonely, scared etc. Before I didn't have time to pray even 15mins every day. Well even now I still am away most time of the day and I can't get up at 4-5am to pray. So my only way is to do that while I am on the way - mostly its in the bus. I just keep reading, worshipping and praying as much as I can in all the time i spend driving around. And it literally saves my day. It gives me peace I can save for some time and joy I can share for some time.
I have been asking God so many times to brake my selfishness. I have been struggling with it so much. With all these attacks of selfishness and anger. I just remembered it today and realised this all have been a good medicine to it. And it all have given me such a freedom. I finally know I am free from myself and I know God is breaking all chains what needs to be broken. I can't be chained to anything or anyone in this world. Nothing in this world has value. It all is just permanent. You get all and you can lose all because nothing really belongs to you.
It is so important to accept EVERYTHING what happens with you. And it is important to give it to God and to believe that as soon as you have given it to God you don't have to worry anymore. You can go on a biiiiig vacation in your heart. Because God will work on your problem while you rest in Him. Yes anxiety will come again and again and again and again you will have to accept it and give it away and let it go. It is not easy. But it is way more easier than to suffer and live in panic all the time or most of the time.
God is great. He is really trustful. He never fails us. He never wants bad for us. He takes care of us. All is HIS job. My job really is only to say ''Yes,God'' again and again. Yes to all. Yes to everything what happens, yes to all people and things around me, yes to all problems and to all good things, Yes to HIS WILL.
And just a little bit about prayer. I have thought about prayer so much lately. I haven't understood anything really new. But I have noticed how my prayer too often is like teaching God how to do things better. Like He doesn't know!! Today I cought myself thinking how I have 3 paths I want or can imagine in my future: a) I stay and am doctor in LV b) I go and am doctor in AUS c) I go and am a missionary for unknown time. And then I realised that God doesn't need my multiple choise questions and tasks. He already knows what He has in store for me. Without me providing Him with possibilities and ideas. And then I remembered how Jesus taught us to pray ''Our Father'' prayer. There is only ONE line in prayer saying - give us this day our daily bread. No other line talks about what to get from God. All other prayer is that we worship and glorify Him, ask for His will in our lives, ask Him to grant us grace to be good and not do evel and to protect us. Only one line asks to GIVE smth and all what it says is daily BREAD! Only things we NEED! What is vital for our basic life - I know I can ask God for basic finances, provision, health, help, relationships with other ppl, things what I really need to live on earth. But only what i NEED. Nothing what I want even matters and that is why I never can be angry of losing of not getting smth in my life if it is not even basic need but just my whimsy.
First time I start to see God's love as love of bridegroom. Love that is jealous. Love that longs for me. And it is a new way of seeing His love for me. But it lets me to focus my sight only on Him and when I do that I can't even see other things or problems, cause He is all I see.