So as to try and keep up with the positive thughts and goals, I've decided to continue to see this therapist. He's amazingly nice and seems to have fun with humor. Although he said he did not know Mr. Wiebe, my old high school psychologist, however he actually walked the halls of that a building. So for some reason, that built up rapport right away.
I'm going to go see Adam in a couple of weeks at the Shooting Star Casino. He has a show and thought it would be a good time to see one another again. How this is going to work, only time will I guess tell. He asked to go with him and his mom on the GlamTour but I'm really not feeling the vibes for this adventure. It's been years since I've been to or near L.A. and I can say that I don't miss it nor do I miss the lifestyle. Well... I miss the weather! And the beaches! But other then that, it's no longer my home. Winnipeg is not by the far the most normal places to flee too. But less drugs, less parties, and less freedom I guess. Me, my mom, aunt and my grandma are all going to the concert. LOL, my grandma really likes Adam ( I have no idea why!) so I thought I'd ask if I can get tix for 4. He of course obliged. His mom is also going on tour. She'd watch over me, i'm sure. But why should I put myself in a situation where I know I'll be tempted? I guess Its safe to say I'm stopping the train before it hits those tracks.
Today, I've been having cravings for the coke in which I don't much care for. The thought that I know of at least 3 contacts to reach for it, is on my mind. I wish thoughts and motions would just fade from my mind. I don't know why I'm seeking high after high after high. That is not the life I want to live nor is it the life I'm destined to live. The grass was cut around our home this morning. That I think triggers something in me. Maybe it's the chemicals used for the grass. But I can't stand it. I pray more now. On the bus to work or on my way home. I pray and thank God for having lead me out of this mess. I'm not fully out of the woods yet, but at least I can see the sun now.
My mom and step dad will be home tomorrow. My day off and they're going to be home! Yippy de day! That makes for a bad day also. Hopefully I can just stay clear and keep to myself as I can't WAIT to move out. I hate it with them, I'm so depressed at home, I feel unwanted, unheard and invisible. Friends I've had before in my life have noticed this also. Whenever I speak, my mom doesn't hesitate to interupt and close off my conversation. It's not only her, it's my whole family. I'm never heard, or actually respected. I guess I don't need to be. They don't matter. I matter. My life matters and the choices I make matter. TO ME. I could care less of them. Last night, I was talking with my mom about my day, trying to share with her things of interest to me. Do you really think she could give a darn? YA right! She made a irratated sound as she said "Ya ya ya" making it obvious she had no clue as to what I was even saying or speaking of. This is sadly an occurance of every bloody day. I told her "What are you going to do what I move out? I won't be talking to you maybe for weeks at a time." What did she say??? " Oh well!" Yup. Oh well. That made me feel so good inside. In reality, it made me want to go to sleep and not ever wake up. I try to push these thougths out of my head in fear that God will see it as taking my own life (which i guess is true). But it kills me to know my mom could give a damn about me. If I were to die... then what? Would she cry? Would she regret? Hurt? Or just carry on as if it was the greatest thing. Shes often told me I was the worst mistake she had made growing up. She says she never knew what she was doing or thinking and that I am proof of that.
It's okay mom cause guess what. You wanted you child to grow up. Well, I'm starting to and I'm going to leave you behind like the way you wanted me. I pray that I never talk to you again after I leave. For I know of far better people in this world who DO care about how I'm feeling, and will listien when I have something to say. Interesting or not, they listen. Mother; I may have been your mistake, but you are my biggest problem. You are my biggest hate, my biggest desire to die. You you you. If it weren't for you, perhaps my life could have been just as I had wanted it. Nothing works out for how we want it. But as for my mother; life is not a matter of making cares or anything else for that matter. For her, my being dead, moved out, or not heard of is her kind of Heaven.
Let me grow apart from this so called family i've been raised with. They are not my family, and I do not care to be apart of their stupid sick disgusting cycle.