I will pour out my heart as an offering to the Lord
As I turn back and take one hard look at my life I see so much of struggles, pain of mind and body and times of distress and times of disappointment that have punctuated my story of success and victory. These circumstances have changed the course of my life and at each point I also experienced the new wine and the fresh bread that fell from heaven that have brought me to the altar of the Lord. I experienced miracles with every disappointment and I received fresh revelation of who God is. It is said that levity and laughter is like a mist that passes away but my life is the sum total of all the battles I have faced and the victories God has given me.
The day I came into this world I had a brush with death as the umbilical cord was wrapped around my neck and I nearly died of suffocation. My mother says that I could not keep my hands to myself even as an unborn child and was up to mischief even then. When I was proudly displayed to my sisters and my brother for the very first time they exclaimed in one accord “Yuck what is this? He is Blue!”- It is the story of my life as very often I am referred to as “what” more than “whom”. But one thing is for sure I was a born fighter.
In my early days sickness was very much part of my life. Barely two years old and I was yet struggling with life and death with an acute attack of diarrhea and de-hydration. Give me a break for goodness sake. I am just a kid. My Father says that he in fact prayed for a quick death when he saw my struggle but I just wouldn’t give up. God wasn’t finished with me yet.
Then I got brain fever (I can hear my friends in the background muttering “That figures…now we know…) and the odds for me to lead a normal life was something like 100: 1 and actually finish my studies? I am not too sure of the chances but God restored my health. It took me a long time to tie my shoe laces but now I can tie more than that.
The long line of sicknesses continued. When other kids brought books from home I brought some sickness or the other. Whooping cough, then measles you name it. Who brought chicken pox home? Ce moi
Mumps – It is I
Malaria? Who else
Jaundice? -Well that was my brother’s doing. Then the like the passing wind the time to be sick ended.
But through all this I had one question that was making me so restless
The burning question was -what is the purpose of my life? The question was not about being born but rather it was about why I was spared. The priests in school offered me religion coated with philosophy which was like gall to my soul. So I turned to the paranormal and the psychic phenomenon for answers. I knew there was more to life than what is seen. The invisible was more real than the visible. I had decided not to believe and accept Jesus Christ as this point of life. Herman Hesse, Lobsang Rampa, Carlos Casteneda, Ray Bradbury, Isaac Asimov, Kurt Vonnegut Jr, Erick Von Daniken they took me to a another world. They were my guides. I mocked at faith and considered those with strong religious beliefs as weak pathetic beings. I prided myself as being a confirmed athirst.
Denying the existence of God left me without hope ands joy. I was like a wandering bird without a song. I filled my life with all forms of expression- Music, Art and books. Yet it was an empty vessel being filled with more emptiness. The Purpose of Life? The question was yet unanswered. I have tried in vain to tell myself that the question was immaterial and of no consequence. Yet I was so alone in the world. It was about at this time that I came into contact with Youth for Christ. I struggled the same way I struggled with death when I was 1 year and three months old to be born again but the Lord won me over. My life was so full of passion and zeal for God and then I refused to accept that one can live for God and be a part of the world system at the same time. How come forsaking all and following Jesus is only for a few? All or nothing was my motto and I found myself in a cult that interpreted the world of God in manner that appealed to me. Love without boundaries love without restraint and love without responsibility, it is no love at al at least – not the love of God, it is no of the Spirit of God. At this point I do not wish to elaborate that part of my experience but when I came out of it I was so bitter and so angry and I couldn’t forgive myself . Almost Five years of my life wasted I was like Naomi who said “do not call me Naomi but Mara”. I would have said unto you do not call me Amar for I am dead to anything that is spiritual.
But today as I look back at my life God has surely saved me from both physical and spiritual death. His love has enveloped me and He has given me so much.
A lovely wife, three lovely boys and above all a purpose in life
So what do I bring to the altar today?
Of all the gifts of the Holy Spirit I bring to the altar
But the question is what gifts have I used? Gift of wisdom, word of knowledge, healing, miracles, prophesy, discerning of spirits, tongues and interpretation of tongues
Then when it comes to ministries and appointments have I taken on what Jesus has in store for me?
Apostle or church planter Teacher?
Worker of miracles?
What ever I have bestowed with from above I bring it today to the altar oh Lord