I perceive myself as not being a lovable person, but one who deeply seeks love. I further perceive myself as one who doesn’t much care whether he is lovable, but does care that he loves. The lack of lovability does now and then distract me. I perceive that in many ways I make it hard for others to love me.
The most profound evidence of my lack of lovability comes from my own family which I think perceives me at times as a cold, calculating, manipulative, hypocritical religious fanatic. Maybe they’re right. It’s the least lovable people who need love the most.
It’s not for us to be receivers. It is for us to be givers, for it is in giving that we receive. Some small but growing understanding and acceptance of this might be why I don’t much care whether I’m lovable since it appears our destiny is to love, not to be loved. Yet, there seems something puzzling about this because in the eyes of the world the most loving people are very often the most lovable. It follows from this, then, that if I don’t perceive myself as lovable, I must not be a very loving person – and this is the heart of the matter. It would seem that there is a line between loving You and loving others, but, of course, You have taught us that the two are connected. The key is to make that connection – and I haven’t!
It’s so much easier to love You whom I don’t see but who has given me everything, including Your immense love, than it is to love those whom I do see but who are often sources of criticism, disappointment and exasperation. I long to be with You, but I often do not long to be with others. In fact, I often long to be away from others so that I can be with You. I think this is sensed by some closest to me and is a source for my lack of lovability.
There is something out of kilter about all of this that gnaws at me. It’s that inability to make that connection between loving You and loving others. But, even more than that, it’s the apparently difficult-to-conceive notion that anyone who loves and seeks You may pay the price of losing the love of others. “Know that the world will despise you because it despises Me.”
Therefore to love and not be loved in return may be a sign that we’re on the right track, for the world has a hard time recognizing the reality of true love.