In so many ways I am far from the selflessness that would transcend my self and draw me closer to union with You. All the ways I fail discourage me greatly and truly make me wonder what You could possibly see in me.
Among the most perplexing of my failures is a penchant for thinking and speaking of others unkindly. I catch myself in this and constantly feel badly about it, but it continues as a part of me. As if to soften my verbal barbs, I will often cloak them in attempts at humorous sarcasm. Words flung into the open cannot be retracted and I can imagine their effects if directed toward me. Then there are the prevalent unkind thoughts that never find words. At least here the damage is contained to myself.
I am flabbergasted at my hypocrisy when I seek to become closer to You by working on denying myself in the place of another and then criticizing and maligning that other. Even though I know You love them as much as me, I still do it – knowing full well that I am doing it to You at the same time. When I say to a person, or a third party about that person, that they are stupid or acting like an idiot, two considerations should quickly pull me up short: would I say that (or even think it) toward You; and, how would I feel if it was said to or about me?
What You do see in me is Yourself and that is my consolation. You decried the visible evil and hypocrisy of the Pharisees, the money-changers, and Judas – but You did not make fun of them or use sarcasm.
I’m sure You understand the human proclivity for sharing with someone what we don’t like about someone else. But when we say these things we demean and belittle that person and help manufacture a false persona for others to consider. Even if it’s obvious to all, what good do we do to underscore it?
It’s more than ironic that I refuse to accept in others the very weaknesses that are so blatant in myself. The urges to slander and malign are totally unjustified and should be dismissed in thought before they become words.