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Self-Doubt, God-Doubt, and a Leap of Faith


After 40 years as an agnostic, regaining faith hasn't been easy, but I may have finally made it up the hill. 

For one thing, I've learned to not fret about things.  I asked God to take over the leadership of my life, back in... April, I think it was.  I never took that back.  So I'm thinking I should relax and trust Him to lead me to the right actions.

Then my self-doubt tries to jump in and tell me that that's a cop-out; I just want to be able to think that I can do whatever I want.  

Self-doubt has always been one of my characteristics.  When I do something that might be called "good," something inside me has to come back with "You just did that because you want people to like you.  You know you're really just a selfish person."  Even lately, as I've been trying to reconnect with my spiritual side: -"You're just doing this to get people to like you."  Or there's "You only want to believe because it makes you feel good.  You only want to know God so that He'll help you.  You're still just selfish." 

Although in my first experiences with actually feeling His presence, a lot of the joy was in being able to love Him so much.  The thought that I could do things that would make Him happy--I enjoy the idea of making God smile.  

There's a streak of obsessive-compulsive disorder in my family.  OCD is sometimes called "The doubting disease" or "The imp of the mind."  I've realized that OCD tendency is behind the self-doubts, the calling myself a bad person.  When those thoughts come now, I can usually remember, and I very often can dismiss them.  I know I'm not perfect, but I'm not as bad as this "imp of the mind" has been telling me.    

And with God, and doubts of Him?  Same disease?  That seems likely.  I did believe in Him, very much so, in the past and many times lately.  So more and more I shut out those doubt thoughts.  I just go along with what's become my life by now:  in addition to everyday things, praying, Bible reading, going to church, smiling at people I meet and being pleasant to the ones who seem to want more contact, wearing my cross pin in public, sometimes doing other things that might make God smile.

So for me, maybe the leap of faith concerns this: dismissing those thoughts full-time.  Calling them the work of the Devil?  (That phrase "Imp of the mind"--interesting, since it's so close to the word "Devil." ) 

Or I may just do it, keep on dismissing those doubts, ALL the time, just BECAUSE I DO IT.  Some things, I think, can't be reasoned out or proven; you just go with it because that's what is in you to do.  

I think it's going to be a long process, of dismissing them over and over, and letting what is probably my instinctual belief in Him take over, as it has already begun to do.  But then maybe God has another pleasant surprise for me. 

Warm regards to all of you.  

Mood: optimistic
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