Sometimes I get the feeling that our relationship doesn’t grow. I get this feeling primarily because of the hang-ups I’ve got about not being able to hear You or find You in different people I meet, or in my own prayers or weak attempts at meditation, or in my attitude about myself and my values. Maybe I try too hard to find You in myself rather than in others. The most frustrating part is that I think I’m trying my hardest and doing my best to be what You want me to be and do what You want me to do.
I suppose I’m a lot like Your disciples in the gospels: I keep wanting some sign. I keep looking for a pat on the back. I need Your affirmation. At the same time, I know I’ve always got it. There are days when I think I’m on the right track and very close to You. Then there are days when I see my selfishness and egotism so clearly and I see how far away from You I’ve set myself. One of my most ponderous reflections is about the extremely introverted nature of my spirituality and that certain smugness about our relationship it brings with it. The arena of my self seems almost impenetrable and I seem to be satisfied with that. This prevents me from growing and I need Your help to overcome it.