Whenever I try, with ever-increasing and varied efforts, to get close to You, it invariably seems to mark off new little distances between me and other people. If coming closer to You means, as I believe it does, to seek silence, solitude, and denial of self, then the spiritual puzzle of “ me and You” versus “ us and You” presents itself. I am troubled by the ostensibly reasonable link between my relationship with You and my relationships with others. You know my mind has been on this. I really don’t know if I understand myself in this regard. Would it be that I’d want all those with whom I have anything to do to be contemplatives? Cloistered monks and nuns? People who deny the world? Yes! I think that’s true. But what is truer is that the large lump of vanity which won’t go away in my life says that they should all see with my eyes and think with my mind. They should be and do as I do.
What utter folly that I would deny the possibility that another could have his/her own unique relationship with You that’s completely different than mine- and better! It seems a whole lot better to look at others not wondering if they love You, but assuming they do. Exterior actions notwithstanding, that is a difficult thing to do. I feel like the lover who must shout that nobody loves You more than I do, but the volume is to cover the truth. I am far from loving You the way I want to, but the intention is there and I hold tenaciously to that.