I have had a relization about myself that has never came to light before. I always thought of myself as putting God first in my life, in putting God above all things. Over the past three weeks I have had a rude awakeing. I decided to leave my current job, well paying and easy, but did not feed my passions for helping others and I could not stand one more day in the "cube farm" working in a black hole I call the computer. So I decided to take a few weeks off and go to work very part time doing what I love to do which is help people who struggle with weight live healthier lives.
The excitement of this propositon was so intoxicating at first, wow time off from work, freedom to do just what I wanted to do and nothing more. I found myself in the kitchen for hours cooking glorious homemade meals, and working out for hours, feeling alive again, rekindeling relationships with my family, cleaning my home, really spending time in a home that before was just a place to sleep and shower and get ready for the next work day, now I had time to sit in my favorite chair and actually decorate my home for Christmas. Wow such fun!
Yesterday, I went Christmas shopping for my family, for the first time in a long time I looked closely at the prices and rejected my usual urges to buy too much, agast at the fact that I will no longer have all the money I want to buy all that I want when I want it. Wow! Panic! Anxiety! Knot in my stomach. What am I if I am not a money maker and a consumer, what am I? What am I worth?
Humbled by my revelation of having less I now find myself looking up to God much more than before, with time on my hands I talk to Him as I would my mother if she were here, asking Him to help me to depend on His divine grace in my life, asking Him to help me to live in His will. I am asking Him to complete me to use me to do His will. What a shame my life will be to end and not have acomplished or at the very least started my mission, God's will for my life on this side of eternity. I can't stand the thought!
I am sort of ashamed to say that I am scarred of not haveing enough and not being able to buy whatever I want when I want it. I am shocked to realize that I am all wrong as I have been unknowenly worshiping false gods, all the time living like I was worshiping the one and true God. I put my trust, faith, and security, in a "full barn" on earth when I should have been building up my resources in Heaven with God as my boss.
I am not sure what the new year will bring. I know my decision to leave a very unsatisfying job was a good one and one that will lead me closer to God, my Father, my Creater, my King.
Dear God, please guide and protect us as we make our way in this world. Lead us to productive work that feeds our souls and satisfys the mission we were put on earth to carry out. Help us daily to not lose sight of our goal, Heaven. Help us daily to work toward being an earthy example of You in our words and in our deeds. Lead us to all souls who are in need of conversion and help us to recognize You in these souls so that through our merits, prayers, and earthy example all souls may be led to heaven. In the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit we pray, Amen.