Realization - God knows everything in my heart, I don't need to hide a thing, He still loves me!
Yesterday was my one year mark of getting out of the hospital - alive. God may not heal in the same ways today as He did in the past (but I am not going to limit Him, He can do what He want s and heal how He wants to, when He wants to). it seems though that He heals more slowly. Using the minds and educations of the people He created. A lot of those Minds (Doctors, nurses etc.) know that they do not do all the work and that they see many miracles that they know God has preformed - He allowed them to assist.
I have learned so much in this last year, I have been having a spiritual growing spurt, I think. It amazes me all the time the new things I am learning of God.
For instance, the other day I was listening to a study on Psalms 139. A verse that I love in a book of the Bible that I love, and realized that Psalm was one of David revealing his growth in God's ways. The part that really got me was where David was saying that God knows everything about him. All that he is thinking and feeling. It really sunk in with me. I realized that since God knows everything I think and feel inside (of course He does - why did I never realize that as greatly as I do now?) That when I don't admit to my negative feelings and thoughts I am lying to myself and God. More than that, God cannot help me with them until I can ask forgiveness for the negative things I might do or the thoughts I may have. If I stay in tune with God, His Holy Spirit will point them out to me as quickly as I think about or do them. At that moment I can ask forgiveness and realize my wrong if I am open to it. To hearing God. In the same vein, if I am angry at God (David shared his anger with God) then I should express it to God. He knows what I am thinking, it is foolish for me to try to hide it from Him. I should ask Questions of why? Or tell Him I think He is picking on me (if that is what I am thinking).
This self revelation has actually been a relief to me, to know that I do not have to carry the burden of my anger (at times towards God)or others. I can talk to God about it. David told God that he would be happy if people who were against God would die or be killed and asked God why he did not kill them!? God could do anything. David was angry! He was not just mentioning it to God, he was angry!
Sometimes my anger is not Godly anger (probably a lot of it!), it is selfish anger, but it is still important that I relate my anger to God. If I feel disappointed in life, I need to relate that to God, if I feel God has hurt me or others have hurt me - I need to relate it to God. He already knows, but I need to share it with Him and then I can have His counsel.
I also need to thank God for everything in my life, for every joy and all the good things I have that He has given me, which is everything! I often think of that song, "Count your Blessings." When I start, I could go on and on Counting my blessings. It is never ending. But I need to STOP and count them, when I do, I see that everything around me has been given to me by God. Every tiny detail of my life positive or negative (and if negative, it was by my choice in not hearing God's voice). But God often turns it to a positive.
God knows my heart. Good and bad. He has shown that to me several times in several ways. First, a long time ago in my 20's I really wanted to live in the country in a small town, have a small amount of land, have a modest home with a view of the mountains by rivers and steams and wildlife. I wanted space and some farm animals. One day I realized that I was here! I looked around me and realized that even though I had not prayed for it, God knew my heart. I had even given up on my dream - too old, too expensive. TOO OLD NO! Having this space has given me ne life a new freshness in my life.
When I was really young I used to watch this television show: about two detectives, a married couple and their dog Aster (fox terrier) who were killed in an auto accident. But an old friend of their could see them, so he would find the cases and they would be the detectives they once were before they died. - I loved that Dog, so much. I really wanted one. But I knew that they were very expensive and would probably never get one. Later as an adult a woman gave me a Fox Terrier Pup, because she knew I would give it such a good home and loved dogs. I named her Megan. She was a wonderful dog. I never prayed for her, but God knew my heart.
Recently, less than 2 months after got out of the hospital My sweet Greyhound Teca died, she was 10. I also lost my cat Boone while in the hospital. It broke my heart to loose two such wonderful parts of my family. I had been thinking for awhile what kind of dog I would get when my next housemate crossed the bridge. I was getting older, so a big dog may not be quite right, I love Greyhounds, maybe another Greyhound that was older and in need of adoption. A whippet? or maybe a little Italian Greyhound? If I adopted an Italian Greyhound I would love to adopt a Blue one - but they are so hard to get and adopt out fast as blue is a more rare color. Two months ago, I saw little Smokey on the internet, on Face Book. A rescue group that two Italian Greyhounds they were picking up from the pound, and were about to be put to sleep. One was white with brown patches and the other Blue. I called right away! they had both been adopted (it was thought). I called another person, the one who picked them up. No one was still available, I asked which - I really didn't matter as I would take either. But it was the Blue! And because I worked with rescue organizations they gave him to me a waved the adoption fees! Smokey had only been in my heart, but I knew God had sent him to me, and thanked him for this little gift that lifted my heart so much.
All this to say and show, how God knows our hearts, wants to give us good gifts and wants us to be honest with Him with all our feelings. It is hard to be around a good friend - maybe your best friend if you have something you may be holding against them and don't talk about it. It puts a wall between you and your friendship becomes further apart. I guess that is why I feel so relieved that I can tell God everything. He already knows it and I don't have to hide it from Him - if I do, it only hurts me. Good or Bad I want to keep my heart open to God and talk with Him about ALL things. God still loves me!