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Surrender

  I am new to this and I am not sure exactly how it works. I have always tried to journal, but I am very inconsistent in that. So, I thought I would try something new. Sometimes when I do journal and get into God's Word, I just get so excited and want to share! So I am trying out this whole blogging stuff so that I can look back and see my growth as a Christian and so that I can share the things God shows and teaches me. My prayer as I start this new journey of blogging is that God would speak through me. 

 
I have been raised in the BIble belt. My parents took me to church every time the doors were open. I have a wonderful family who loves me and loves The Lord. So as a young child, I got baptized. I can't remember exactly how old I was; somewhere between the age of 7 and 10. I distinctly remember doing it because my friends did. However, I considered myself saved. 
 
I continued to go to church, read scripture, go to church camps, pray with people, and so on. I knew what to say and when to say it. I did all the "right" things because that was all I had ever known. The older I got, I began to question my salvation, as many of us do. But I didn't think much of it. There were so many times when I would feel God tugging on my heart during sermons and church services and I felt like I should go to the front.. But Satan would always whisper, "No, you are saved. Don't worry about going up front. You are fine." I didn't realize at the time that it was Satan. So I wouldn't go to the front, I would just keep convincing myself I was saved. 
 
At 16 years old, I was raped by my best friend. I ran so far from what little desire I had to truly know The Lord. But only on the inside; on the outside, I kept up my "Christian" look. I was too prideful to letl anyone know that I not only questioned my salvation, but I was running from it. 
 
A few years later, I felt like I should forgive my rapist. The moment I felt this, I ran even further. I had so much hatred built up. 
 
I continued to stay in church and keep up my appearance. 
 
Finally, 5 years later, I had been asking God to use me but I didn't really know what I was saying.. Well, I got frustrated because I didn't feel like God was using me and I "wanted him to". So on Friday, September 12, 2014, I was driving to work, slammed my hands on my steering wheel and yelled, "God just break me!!" Again, I didn't really know what I was saying, but God was listening (as always) and wow!! God started  breaking me. He had me all over His Word reading scripture! I kept reading James 1. I couldn't figure out why. Then I got stuck on this verse,
 
"if you claim to be religious, but don't control your tongue, your religion is worthless." James 1:26. 
 
God broke me. Wednesday, September 17, 2014, The Lord completely broke me. He stripped me of everything; all my pride, all my lies, and my sin. God broke me and exposed me. 
 
"Look at yourself. You do not truly know me as you claim to. You do not have a relationship with me. It doesn't matter how far or how deep in sin you feel, I love you." 
 
This is what I felt Jesus saying to me! How comforting!!!! In my exposure, I felt comfort. I am so undeserving of God's unconditional love, but He loves me anyway. In the deepest of depths, He loves me. There is NO where that Our Savior cannot reach!! And oh how comforting it is to know that we don't have to "clean ourselves up" to come before God. We can come to Him just as we are; broken and humbled. 
 
Thursday, September 18, 2014, I called my preacher's wife and shared my experience with her while on my lunch break at work. So, right then and there, in the middle of the parking lot in my car and on the phone, I surrendered. I now truly serve God and I am so hungry to grow and share! God is so good!! 
 
How often do we hear God knocking at the doors of our heart, yet we choose to ignore it? God will only keep knocking for so long. Is He knocking at your heart today? Don't ignore it! Surrender to Jesus! He is Author and Creator of Life! 
 
 
Mood: loved
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