I have decided to let Jesus be glorified in my weakness, and to let Him use my past and my experience to further His Kingdom by communicating the amazing and saving truth of His Word and Love that rescued me and literally saved my life!
I would like to first start my story by acknowledging others out there who understand this real struggle and wrestle with this becoming their identity and also for those who like me were raised Christian and understand the inner spiritual battle and conflict that I lived with most of my life before really understanding who God was and is and always will be and the salvation that comes from accepting his son Jesus Christ as Lord and Saviour. I hope that even if you are not a Christian that you will read this with an open mind and evaluate your own beliefs and do your own research on Christianity and the Bible. Ephesians 2:3-5.
Lost and Found....Saved from homosexuality.
Chances are, you know someone who is gay. Or maybe you are yourself. My entire life, up until January 2005 when I was saved, I lived under the impression that I was born gay. I hid it for years, not “coming out” until I was 18. During that time I was brought up in a Christian7 home and involved in the church. My biggest struggle began when my parents divorced at the age of 5. My mother soon remarried and the new man in my life was extremely physically abusive and the other men like my grandpa and uncle were drunks. I only ever saw my father every other weekend and so the very fiber of what I needed from a father figure was taken away from me. I soon noticed that I was favoring the shelter and nurture of women, because its where I felt safe, while all the while still struggling with the inner conflict of why I was having same sex attraction. I even went through the motions of dating girls in high school to try and fit in with other guys. All the while always being actively involved in the church growing up, but just never really feeling like I had a true connection or relationship with God because of scripture going against what I was feeling towards other boys. I ended up just convincing myself that God didnt have room for me in heaven. I remember looking to the bible about my feelings trying to seek out some sort of answer from God. It was then I would learn that homosexuality was immoral and an abomination in Gods eyes and that I would never inherit the kingdom of God.
1 Corinthians 6:9-10 “…."Do not be deceived: neither the sexually immoral nor idolators nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the Kingdom of God”
How was I supposed to deal with this? I felt so alone even being surrounded by other Christians because whereas now in America being gay is becoming as acceptable as being left handed as opposed to right it was very much not the case then in the church. It was very much taboo, and a sin that according to some Christians was viewed as being in a category all by itself. It was never preached on who was I supposed to confide in about it. Long story short I decided to bury my feelings until I graduated, and it was then that I came out to my friends and family. I was free from the burden of not knowing why and just decided I would live out my life partying, and embracing being a gay man. I was so desperate to find affection and love within the acceptance of the gay community and I finally did find and fell in love. That is when I finally felt loved by a man and accepted for who I was. We spent 9 years together until he passed away and that is when my life truly hit rock bottom. Everything I had ever cared about and found in him was gone. Because I had never truly found or established my manhood, I lacked the self confidence and love for myself to even survive without him and becoming extremely depressed I got overwhelmed with it all and decided I wasnt giving up....I was giving in and to me there was a difference, So I decided to end my life and had even written letters out to friends and family.
I was scared and didnt want to die but yet had no reasons left to live, so it was then I decided to turn to the God that I didnt really get to know and thought didnt love me enough because of being convinced that I had lived a way and felt a way I couldnt be saved from. I remember praying to God and begging for his attention asking that if He was really there and listening that for the first time in my life I truly needed Him. So within my prayer I pleaded and gave a promise to Him that if He could just give me a sign I would serve him all the rest of my days and I would abstain from my sexual desires in exchange. Now mind you I had no idea the magnitude of that promise and what it would really mean for me, but I was desperate. That is when the phone would ring and signal the start of a life changing journey. God answered me and right then and there I was given the opportunity to ask Jesus Christ into my life as my Lord and Saviour.