Well it has been 4 days now since I lost baby Abel. I have been meaning to make a post about everything but I don't think that I was ready yet. I don't think that I will ever really be ready but here goes. It was Monday morning when I woke up at 3:30 with contractions. After going back to sleep and waking up around 7:45 I was having more painful contractions. As the day went on they continued. It was around 2:30 in the afternoon when I put my girls down for a nap. I decided to try and get a nap in too. I woke up around 4:00 having more painful contractions. I told my husband that I wanted to get in the bath to help with the pain and because we had decided that was where I wanted to be to have Abel. I ran some bathwater and stood in the tub when I had a contraction and blood started gushing down my leg. I sat down and told my husband to call his parents so that they could sit with the girls and he could be with me. He did and they came about 30 minutes later. While we were waiting on them I tried to focus on breathing through the contractions and focusing on the Lord and asking Him to help me through this physically and emotionally. It was really quite creepy because my bath water was completely red and looked like something from a horror movie. After his parents came I asked my husband to help me run some new water. Maybe I should have done this earlier but I will warn you that this might be to graphic for some. If you don't think you want to hear about everything then you might want to stop reading. I will not go into great detail but I will not be lacking in detail either. The main purpose in me writing this is to help anyone who has to face this by letting them know what they could possibly expect. Keep in mind that everyone's experience is different. I had passed a lot of blood clots some were very big. I was having very painful contractions and thought that I was passing the baby but it turned out that it was a blood clot about the size of a baseball not as round but about the size of one. By this point the contractions had gotten very painful. I have never had a natural birth with my girls I had an epidural both times but the contractions were as painful as they were before I got the epidural with my first daughter. It was all I could do to breath through them. It was around 5:45 or so and I started feeling something large trying to come out. I thought that I should probably push through the contractions so I asked my husband what he thought and he said I should because that is how you do it when you normally give birth. I started to try and push with the contractions but some of them were too painful to push through. At this point the pain was horrible. My hands were starting to tingle and felt like they were going numb. It worried me so I told my husband and he said that maybe it was where I was holding my legs and pushing so I stopped holding my legs and just relaxed my hands. I thought that would make it better but it didn't they only got worst. My husband asked if I was ok and I said no I cant move my hands and they are really tingly. It was so weird my hands felt like they were cement and it took everything just to move them a tiny bit. I told my husband that the baby was getting ready to come I could feel the pressure. It was really hard to talk because it seemed like the contractions didn't stop they just keep coming and there was no break in-between. I had another contraction and the baby came out but as it did my hands felt the worst they had and I started crying not on my own free will but it just happened and I couldn't control my emotions. After about 30 seconds of this I was able to make myself stop crying and my husband was a bit freaked out asking me if I was ok. I told him that I was and that the baby came out. As soon as the baby came out I had no more contractions and felt so much better. It is weird how your body knows instantly to stop the contractions and the pain stops. The bath water was again blood red and your couldn't see through it. I told my husband that the baby came out so he reached down to get the baby. He pulled this mass up out of the water and I had passed the placenta with the sac attached to it. I was very thankful for that because I had read storied of people passing the baby then having to pass the placenta too. I sat up to see everything and my husband was telling me that he could see our baby in the sac. He was crying as was I. The sac was about the size of a orange (not as round but in width) and there was our tiny baby. The sac was attached to the placenta which was about the size of a small paper plate (like a dessert plate) My husband went to get a pair of scissors and he cut open the sac and took out our baby. It was a very sad and surreal time. It was hard to believe that I had really just went through all this pain and now I am holding my tiny little baby in my hand. My husband prayed over our baby. We put our baby in a container with some room temperature water and the placenta in another container with water. We let out the bath water and I was going to get up and take a shower as I was standing there I started feeling nausea then I started feeling dizzy and lightheaded. I told my husband that I needed to sit down I didn't feel good. I sat down on the side of the tub then (according to my husband I don't remember this part) I passed out and my husband laid me down in the tub so that I could get blood to my brain. He said that he was holding my face saying my name and asking me if I could hear him. I couldn't and I don't remember any of that. He opened the door and told his mom to call the ambulance. That is the part that I do remember. I heard him talking to her and then him asking me if I was ok. He told me that I passed out and scared him, that the ambulance was coming. I did not want to go to the hospital like I was. I was dirty, I had blood all over me. I told him please let me get up I'm ok please let me take a shower. (Its a good thing he didn't let me I would have passed out again) He told me no that he would help me bathe in the tub so he started pouring water on me and washing me off. He then helped me get out and dry off and started helping me get dressed. We had my shirt left to get on and I started feeling like I was going to pass out again. Thankfully the ambulance was there and they had the stretcher right outside the door so I walked out and got on the stretcher. They started an IV and took me to the hospital. At the hospital they performed an ultrasound to see if I had passed all of the tissue. We were waiting for the OB doctor to do an exam but she had two C-sections to perform so after being at the hospital for 4 and a half hours we left. The ER doctor said that the ultrasound looked like I had passed everything and I should get an appointment with my OB doctor. He also told me that I had lost 3 units of blood, that my levels before this happened was at 13 pints of blood and at the hospital I was measuring at 10 pints of blood and that I was anemic. We went home and tried to get some sleep. Everything felt so unreal. I still was in disbelief that I had just lost this perfect little baby. The next day we prepared Abel and took him to be buried. My husband got the name Abel when we found out that we were pregnant because from the beginning we knew this was our little boy. After having Abel we seen in fact that he was a little boy. Satan has such a hatred for us humans in general but he has a strong hatred for the firstborn male and this punk jerk had taken our firstborn son. Its funny how he thinks that he has won and gotten one over on us but he really hasn't. Abel was a beautiful gift given to us but he is now with the Lord. I have to remember the good things in this situation and not dwell on the bad. This child was a spirit that was put into a body and went to heaven without ever having to suffer in this world. If we are all honest I have to admit that at times I feel bad for having children and bringing them into this horribly sinful cruel world. I would not change the fact that I have my beautiful wonderful girls but I feel bad that they must suffer in this world. I find comfort in knowing that Abel is a soul won for the Lord and he never had to suffer at the hand of Satan and his minions. Don't get me wrong, through this I have had a hard time dealing with things. I have found myself mad more so with the devil and this horrible thing called sin that causes all evil then with God but I have questioned Him. The last thing I want to do is pretend that I am some saint who has went through this and been a perfect person because that is far from the truth. And if you have been through this I'm sure you can relate and if not good job for you, you are farther along then I am. I have a spirit and I am sometimes lead by that but lets get real I'm still trapped in this flesh and am lead by that at times too. I have bouts of anger, depression, frustration, peace, calm, joy, and everything in between. The Lord has given me His peace that surpasses understanding through this and for that I am so grateful. I am still sad because I so wanted this baby and had dreams of having him and holding him and kissing him but I will never experience that this side of life. With this I know that the Lord uses everything for good for those who love Him. I cant say that I know of anything good that can come from this but if theses posts and blogs can help any women or man who is going through this then I will say that is good. I know how thankful I am to all of the women who shared their stories. With that said if there is any women who is reading this because they are going through this and have any questions or need someone to talk to please don't hesitate I am here. I can give you a much more detailed account of what I went thought if it will help you any or answer any question you might have no matter how personal. With that said I would also like to thank everyone who has helped me through this and who has been there for me and my family it is greatly appreciated. Words cannot express my gratitude all I can say is thank you so much God for putting these people in my life. I am so grateful and thankful for my husband who has been so loving and supportive. My two wonderful girls who I am so grateful for and love with a different intensity now. Also my wonderful sister Amber, I love you sweetie and miss you so much. And my church family who has been here for me as well, your all so awesome. I Love you so much and cant wait to see you again Abel Bedgood.
God Bless you and your family during this time. Remember its times like this when you only see one set of footprints in the sand because he is carrying you through. Abel is now someones angel. May peace and healing be with you and yours.