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Gender: Female
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Age: 32 Years

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Signup Date: 04/09/2014

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12:51 PM   [09 Apr 2014 | Wednesday]

Preparation With A Stuggle

After I surrendered to what I felt like was reality I had to understand that my husband did not see that as reality. He was still believing that this baby was going to come back to life. I had an appointment for Thursday the 3rd but had canceled it but once I started having blood in the discharge I decided that I should reschedule. I got an appointment for Monday the 7th. At that time I began to accept that this baby was not going to live that this baby was in heaven with The Lord and that he was going to stay there. I began to do a lot of research on what to expect with a natural miscarriage and to actually allow myself to grieve. This whole time I had not allowed myself to do that since I didn't believe that I was going to lose this baby. It was a very hard time for me. I needed someone to talk to but I couldn't talk to my husband about it because he was not accepting death. He was the one person that I needed more then anyone for so many different reasons. He was the one losing this baby too and we needed to discuss what was going to happen with that. I also needed to talk about what to expect with the option we had chose. But most importantly I needed my husband, my covenant partner, my one flesh. I felt so alone at this time. Time came for our appointment and I asked him what we were going to do if there wasn't a heart beat and he wouldn't answer me he keep saying that there was going to be a heartbeat. I told him that I respect his decision and I admired him for his faith but man it was so hard to do this. I felt we needed to discuss what we wanted to do and how we were going to proceed. He was still standing in faith but I had accepted that the baby wasn't going to live. We went to the doctor and she came in and my husband asked her if she would check to see if there was a heartbeat. She looked at him and sighed and said its pointless. We were both quite shocked at how rude she was. He then asked her can you just check so she sighed and checked anyway. There wasn't a heartbeat so the doctor told us that our options are to continue natural but to take a pill called cytotec to help me along or to go for the D&C. I looked at my husband and asked him what he thought and he was clearly angry and said its up to you. I asked the doctor if they could allow me to come to the hospital and be induced and deliver there. She said they don't do that until 20 weeks which didn't make sense to me. She said I could take the medicine if I didn't want the D&C and when I started bleeding then come to the hospital. I said ok for the medicine even though I didn't have intentions of taking it just so she would leave me be. My husband went to the car and I scheduled an appointment for a week later. I went to the car and my husband was mad at me because he thought that I was going to take the medicine and he was believing for life. I told him that I didn't plan on taking it at all. I looked up the medicine to find out that it isn't approved by the FDA for inducing labor that it can kill the mom and baby and that it is dangerous. It was made for ulcers. After the appointment I was not happy with our doctor for her attitude and her trying to give me that drug. I canceled my appointment and I called to change my doctor.
Mood: None, or other
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