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12:15 PM   [29 Mar 2014 | Saturday]

Moment Of Weakness (Stupid Devil)

Well for days I have been declaring and believing but I have to admit when we went back to the doctor and for the second time there was no heartbeat I was a bit worried that this baby may not come back. After we came home and talked I still believed and declared that the baby was going to live, but I also went online and looked to see what happens when you naturally miscarry. I know shame on me if I were standing in faith the whole time then I would not be looking at what happens naturally. Looking back now I feel that I was like the verse in James that says the man who doubts should expect to receive nothing because he is double-minded. My husband, told me that I wasn't standing in faith if I was looking at that but of course the devil was being a punk and influencing me to look at it then getting me to get mad and say I wasn't doubting I just needed to know if something happened what it would be like. How stupid that I was thinking I was really standing in faith and still looking and thinking like that. A few days later I realized what I had been doing and I felt so horrible. I repented and renounced my doubt and asked the Lord to cleanse me from it and forgive me and forget my sin. God is so great and so forgiving when we don't deserve it. We had went to church and was talking to the couple who's child was dead and came back to life and I was listening to the story when the dad said look at Michael he is perfectly healthy. When he said that it hit me. When we found out about the baby the name Michael keep sounding in my head and I didn't know why. I knew that was to give me faith. From that day on I continued to declare life over my baby and to not look at anything that contradicted that. I didn't feel like going back to the doctors office so I canceled our appointment. At this time I was still losing mucous plug but about a week later I noticed that I now had blood in it. I did get a bit concerned. I was having issues with what to believe. I felt that when we first found out that God told me it was ok that he would use this for good and that I would help someone else that is going through this. Then with the name Michael I thought that I should believe for life over my baby like Michael received. Then with the bleeding I thought that I might really loss the baby. I then began to pray to God and speak to him with my understanding and in the Spirit. I started thinking about all of the times when people were raised from the dead in the Bible. I though of every instance from Elijah raising the widows son to Lazerus, to Jesus raising the widows son. Then I thought of something. Every time this happen the Bible it was instantaneous. Every healing was instant. Someone didn't lay hands on them or pray for them and weeks later they were healed, it was right then they were healed. As I began to have more discharge and more blood I knew that I needed to accept this and prepare for it.
Mood: ???
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