When God put me in this world he knew from the beginning who I would become. I often here some awful excuses on why people are the way they are who they are. They are drug addicts or alcoholics because someone did something terrible to them. I don't here the true reason for why they are who they are. Because it was the life they chosen. I cant put my life choices onto another human being. I am who I am, because I chose to be where I am at.
I am who I am because I paid attention to the Lord first. It is easy to get lost in this world. I often tell my 8 children that they are to live in the world not of the world(intwnotw). I am a child of God, and I am not of this world. I am here for a time, and then I will go on to be with God.
So I was born into an imperfect world full of corruption, and from the age of 3 I lived in a world of alcohol and drugs. I could easily blame everything on my parents, and take the road traveled. Then I wouldn't be who I am. Life from the beginning was not easy. I was in a high chair when I remembered the first abuse. I still have the scar from the high chair ripping into my little leg. It is a scar to remind me from which I came, and not to stay stuck in that past. Not to repeat a path my mother took.
I came from a family from one generation to another generation has been cursed of alcohol, drugs, sexual abuse, emotional abuse, and physical abuse. I myself sworn not to take the path the whole family has chosen, except my younger brother, and sister. I became a mother at the age of 17, and it was acceptable to have sex to my mother. I had not had a good teacher for being a mother, except God.
Most of my childhood consist of memories of her parties, and men coming and going. My whole childhood, and adulthood she talks about sex. So to me a mother was a woman that had men coming and going. It was someone that thought sex was good, and didn't say much different. It was yelling, screaming, and cussing. When a young child of 6 tells the mother of the sexual abuse, she didn't protect her. She called her a liar. At the age of 7 the mother didn't protect her baby sister from being sexually abused. The baby sister was 3 at the first attempt of rape. I was more the mother, and protector than my mother was. I had to protect my two little siblings from my older sibling from abusing us. Once he quit sexually abusing me he went onto the other ones.
So where was God amongst all the abuse. He was within me. I lived in a world with no peace, but I found peace through him. He knew who to bring into my life to show his light through. When I didn't know what unconditional love was...God showed me an example of his unconditional love through his people. He would bring these woman into my life that taught me what I can say a mother is. When I was a child love to me was just a word that was said. With no meaning behind it. Love meant that I didn't protect or believe you. Love meant wild parties, and revolving doors for her boyfriends. Love was taking my hard earned money to do what she wanted with it. Love was taking care of her children that she gave birth to. Love was cooking, cleaning, and doing everything she was suppose to do. While I was doing it. God would talk to me about how much he loved me, and everything will be ok. He said that one day all the wrong that was done will be right. He will use it for his glory.
Then he taught me about his son Jesus Christ. At nights when I was terrified for my life. Jesus would hold me tight, and tell me everything will be alright. I would find rest with Christ. I would find total peace when all around me is chaos.
Their would very good reasons to fear for my life, because some nights I would wake up with a knife to my neck. So one could only have peace through Christ, and seek God to protect me. Without God my life would probably would ended in death from someone else hands. So I know he was with me all the time. He showed his light through his people. I would forget the world I lived in while I was with them in his church. I would find I could laugh, and have joy in my life. I could honestly say that God's choices in my life in who he brought into was very good. They taught me about God, taught me about his Love, and taught me about Christ. He gave me Love and Peace amongst Chaos.