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12:11 PM   [23 Jan 2014 | Thursday]

Prayers Unanswered. Dreams broken. Heart Shattered.

 I'll be divorced on Wednesday. After ten years with the man I loved. After believing we had a blessed marriage. He left nearly eight months ago. I never, ever imagined he would leave. I never imagined that finding a note on the stovetop would be the closest thing to goodbye that I would get. He still has not communicated with me. Not a word since the day before he left. Not a word. 

 

I thought he would come back. I waited by the door. I kept my phone at my side. I wouldn't leave. Then I knew he wasn't coming back. I thought he would call. I waited. Then he knew he would never want me to know his phone number. Then, like an idiot, I thought he might email. Then I knew he wouldn't do that either. I am the leper and he is the wealthy. There would be no touch, no seeing, no speaking.

 

I hate myself. I hate that I was naive. I hate that I wasn't enough. I hate that I never saw this coming. I hate that I destroyed ten years of my life. I hate that I will forever be saddened and regretful at he very thought of him. I hate that I'll never understand. I don't even know how to make myself better because I just don't understand. I hate that I loved someone so much who has hated me so much. 

 

I wish I could have ran away like he did. I wish I could have a cold heart. I wish I could vanish. Just disappear. No more pain. No more sadness. No heartbrokeness or anxiety or sickness  or fear or grief or disappointment. 

 

I used to to thank God for Blake....whenever I prayed. Then it turned to begging God to bring him home. We know He could have. He could have softened his heart and done all the right things in just the right way like only God could do. I begged him to save the sinner. But He didn't. The I begged God to at least have Blake talk to me. It didn't work. So I pleaded and fasted and prayed. I asked Him to at least let us start getting back together, to work towards something positive. He didn't. I asked God to talk to me. I listened. I asked Him to please not let me go on like this. To make it clear if He wouldn't save us. But He went silent. So I begged that if I had to be divorced and my own husband wouldn't even talk to and God would be silent, at least let me divorce like a normal person. Some sort of normalcy. I asked that we would not have to go to mediation. But here we go to mediation and to finalize. Not a word from Him or him.

 

Prayers unanswered. I know about Gods timing. But there is a timeline here. I thought I was to wait for Blake. But apparently I didn't hear God. I was all wrong. I've been shunned and bashed on and criticized and humiliated and let down and hurt and sick and exhausted and I waited for God. I waited.

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  Comments
EndTimeBelievers | Sat Jan 25, 2014, 04:01

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No matter what, keep going to God, trusting in His plans for your life as well as your ex's. God will honor you like He did Job, yes we never understand why but all we know is God is still there for you. It sounds like the enemy has found his way in to bring attacks your way-being criticized, humiliated, let down, hurt, sick, etc. Keep fighting it will get easier. God is your Husband now, acknowledge Him as that in your life now. God is your Provider. Speak these things to yourself when you are having a hard day. Find some good fellowship. You are more than welcome to contact me should you need some Godly words of wisdom. As a Sister (in Christ) you are not alone and I've been there and God's going to get you through this, I believe and claim it for you Sister, you just have to believe it yourself as well.

 
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