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My Sorrow

This is hard to post due to the fact that I am both extremely private and it isn't exactly an organized thought.  I felt that I needed to share what was keeping me awake this late hour.  Thank you for reading and please share.

I have been having a hard time lately.  Baby fever is something that I have heard other people joke about and I didn't think it was real until recently.  About 4 years ago I was diagnosed with PCOS.  For those who don't know what that it, it basically means I am infertal.  Now that I cannot have children, I really want them.  I want to feel the joy and unexpected feelings of carrying a child and I have been told that will never happen for me.

What is killing me now is the fact that my friends and family are experiencing the joy that I want to feel.  I just recently found out that a friend that shares the same condition that I have is in her third trimester.  My heart breaks every time I think or hear about another person I know having a child.  I can't help but feel sorry for myself when news of another joyous birth has happened.

I try to remember in times like these that I have been blessed far beyond what I deserve.  Not just salvation.  That I could never repay.  But I am also talking about the life I have now.  I have a wonderful husband, I own my own home (I'm under 30), and I have a wonderful job with awesome coworkers.  I am extremely blessed to be in good health and to have money in the bank.  I may have some debts, but nothing that cannot be paid in a few years or so.

I live in a wonderful city that is laid back.  Everyone is friendly and helpful.  I have good neighbors that would help in an instant and a wonderful family that is supportive when ever it is needed.  Why, if I am so blessed, do I feel the need to have children?  I don't really know.  All I know is, I turn into a blubbering idiot when the subject is raised.

I have tried going to church but that just seems to magnify the problem.  I have yet to find a ministry that focuses on childless couples.  I have never felt lead to start any particular group and I have the distinct fear that someone with more knowledge of the Bible will call me out on anything I might get wrong.  So when ever I go and sit in service, all I see is other couples, or even single parents, sitting with their children.  I am no longer content with my life and I don't know why.  I have everything I asked God for when looking for a husband and yet I don't feel as if it was good enough.

It is because I cannot have children that has scared me away from church.  There is no argument that I am a Christian, but I cannot face walking into a church and see all of the little children running around.

As I sit here and write this, I can hear my husband sleeping in the next room.  I guess I just can't sleep when something so heavy is weighing on my heart.  I just pray that one day, God will see fit to allow me to conceive, carry, and have a child of my own.

K.A.N.

Mood: sad
- 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add comment 

  Comments
CBornAgain7 | Tue Jan 21, 2014, 13:01

 I am under 30....just barely...and I go to church...or anywhere in public....and I face a great deal of sorrow and regret and hurt when I see families. I not only long for children but also for the return of my husband. We had planned to have children soon...through adoption...but then he vanished. I want a child so much more now. We tend to take advantage of time, good health, and good circumstances. When things change, we realize how much we wanted something. I know I crave family incredibly. I am heartbroken and lonely and like you, I imagine a life that no longer seems possible.

i am often told that we are supposed to gain our joy through Jesus. While it is true, we are human and we cannot just dismiss grief. It is ok to mourn. You do have to realize though that God has a great path for you. Maybe you will still have children but in a different way. Maybe you will start an organization to help children in need. Maybe a child has been born today who needs a home. A child does not always come from your womb. I don't know what your future holds but I do know that God is bigger than your diagnos. I do not see your circumstance as meaning you will not have children and I hope you won't to. I hope you'll see it as a hurdle or maybe even a test of faith. Through faith we realize that "never" is not a word in our Christian language. God makes the desicions and leads our path. 

 

Pray aye for understanding. Pray for a child. The Bible tells us God will tell us unspeakable things. Your heart may break today but something is planned. I don't know if it's a child from your womb but I know couples who have the same diagnosis as you but they ended up pregnant. It's in Gods hands. This realization of how baldly you now want a child may prepare you for your future....to make you a better wife, even a better mother or a stronger Christian. 

Pray. Talk to God about this. Talk to your husband. Hold tight to them both"


 
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