It's been a painful week. Everytime the 17th rolls around on, I instantly know the number of months it's been since my husband left me. That means I also know how many months it's been since we celebrated our anniversary. Its really the little things that I miss most. I would do anything to have his arms around me. I miss the smell of popcorn in our house on Friday nights. I miss looking forward to sharing our stories with each other from our day at work. I miss the way he said my name and how his voice was always softer when he talked to me. I miss having someone care about what my day was like. I miss having dinner together and even looking at the clock at 2:30 and knowing his students were heading home. I would pray for him throughout the day...praying he would have a good day and be safe...those types of things. Now I pray his heart will be softened...that he will have the courage to come home...even that he stays sexually pure. Oh how things change.
Everyday I find myself crying. When others talk to me about all this, they don't seem to understand that he has had zero communication with me. They assume he just won't talk about specific things....or he argues with me....or even that he emails me regularly to check in. I try to explain that it's like he just vanished. I had no warning...he left while I was at work...and that was just it. Like a death without a funeral. Never to speak again.
I wait for the joy to come back. The normalcy. I wait to feel alive again. I even wait to figure out who I am now. Unlovable? Forgettable? Garbage? I wait for this storm to pass but I know...I just know....there's something more to this.
I believe I am to wait on Blake to return to The Lord and to me. I pray, I fast, I read the Word, I listen. And over and over I get this message of waiting. At first it filled me with hope. I was waiting with expectation. But then, as we tend to do, I grew impatient. I thought maybe I never heard God correctly. Then I grew some bitterness about why nothing, quite literally nothing, has happened that is positive. I was overwhelmed. Fear entered in and doubt.
Psalm 69:3 , "I am weary with crying out; my throat is parched. My eyes grow dim with waiting for my God."
I must be honest. I lost hope. It does seem impossible that my husband will ever change. But I also have this fear of God and I do still believe, even though I am not always happy about it, that I am to wait for my husband. I don't know what it means but my gosh if life is this hard with God, I don't need to disobey and see what it's like without Him.
Many Christians, pastors included, have gone against me on waiting for my husband. They say things like....divorce is God's will for me...God won't help those who don't want help...and even that I am not Biblically required to wait. Isn't this one of the big issues in our church today? We are quick to state our opinion but slow to follow the Lord. God hates divorce. Christ seeks us, even when we don't want to be found. And if a Believer is following God's voice/command, how is it Biblically sound to recommend not doing so? It amazes me how many people voice their opinion that they believe I am wrong and that God would not tell me to wait. Isn't waiting on God a monumental part of the Bible?
Psalm 33:20 "Our soul waits for our Lord, He is our help and our shield."
Isaiah 30:18 "Therefore The Lord waits to be gracious to you, and therefore he exalts himself to show mercy to you. For The Lord is a God of justice; blessed are all those who wait for Him."
Lamentations 3:25 "The Lord is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks Him."
In so many ways, I see my husband as sick. He is the lost sinner. I know, from experience, we often must be totally broken down before we begin our new life in Christ. I cannot help but to wonder if that's what he is going through now. I know I have changed tremendously. I feel that I am a wife that the Lord is perfecting during this trial, as explained in James, while I wait upon the Lord.
I have no idea what the future brings. I still pray, everyday, that my husband will come home. I pray this divorce will never finalize. But I know, that if I am instructed to wait, no matter how long, I will wait. I have met spouses who went through this. They waited a very long time. They were ridiculed for it, even by their own churches, despite it being a great sign of their dedication to both the Lord and their spouses. Their spouses came home and they were restored. But it's so disheartening to see the church fail to back up marriages and Believers. Despite what the Bible tells us, we seem not to believe that God is THE unchanging God from the Word...that He is the God who created the Heavens and the Earth, changed every part of Paul, and brought miracles to this planet. Do most of us even really believe that His power lives in us? That miracles can and do happen?
Psalm 27:14 says, "Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for The Lord." In a trial, we must have courage. Courage to wake up to a new day, courage to stay within the Spirit, and courage to enter the unknown.
Psalm 25:21, "May integrity and uprightness preserve me, for I wait for you."