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12:25 PM   [01 Jan 2014 | Wednesday]

Be Still

 Be still and know that I am God.

 
Over these last several months, I have struggled greatly with that verse. Of course, it's not just that verse, it's the very idea behind it. I've talked to numerous pastors. I've had them in our house, praying for my husband and this marriage. I've discussed, at great lengths, what it was that I needed to do. The question was always revolving around the idea of being still, or the idea of trying to reach out to my husband. It's not as if I could just call him, or even go see him. My only way of potentially contacting him has been via email. I spent months in panic mood....not having any idea of what happened to this person whom I love so dearly. Knowing that he is not ok, knowing something is very wrong. When you know someone so well and in a matter of hours they go from being this happy, loving person who is discussing a beautiful future with you to just throwing it all away, you know that only Satan can be behind this. 
 
My husband didn't just rid me from his life. He left behind our home, our pets, nearly all his belongings, his friends, and for a time, even his job. He left our church. He refused contact with our pastor and my family, who love him dearly. I often think of this situation as being like the Left Behind movies. One day my husband was here and the next day he was just gone. He had tools and mulch left out from projects he was working on. He had a card and fresh flowers left out that he gave me on our anniversary. His dirty socks still laid on the rug by our bed. There were no good-byes. I never had the chance to fight for our marriage when he was still here. I didn't know it needed fought for. We went from a wonderful marriage to a non-existent marriage overnight. Literally. We weren't perfect, no one is, but I would thank God for him in my prayers and I believed we had a strong marriage. 
 
What is someone to do when the person they love most just vanishes? What is someone to do when they are filled with worry about what might be happening...will he hurt himself? Is he in some sort of trouble? Does anyone really know what's happening or where he is? There are so many questions.
 
I tried, and tried, and tried, contacting him. Elders, pastors, friends, and family have tried and tried as well. Literally hundreds of people have prayed for him. I've never seen anything like it. There is this Christ-filled wave of love and prayer coming his way. Grown men who never even knew him have shed tears for him. Strangers and family alike have fasted for his return. People he never met have fallen in love with him, despite his sinfulness. He is loved like he could never have imagined. It's nearly unreal. I have received phone calls from people I do not know saying they are praying. There is this huge concern for him. People see how incredibly unlike him this was and they know he is hurting. They are following Jesus. They are trying to save the sinner....to offer him Godly love.
 
I don't know what is happening here. I don't know what God is up to. But something big has been happening in the spiritual realm despite the fact that nothing seems to have happened here on earth. I still wait upon my Lord and on my husband. I still am as lost and confused and heartbroken as day one of this. But I know that God is doing something. I see it in His people. The people who dearly love my husband. The people who don't judge him. Instead, they want to wrap their arms around him. 
 
I have learned that I must put my hope in Him. Only He can save us. Psalm 33:20-22 says, "Our soul waits for The Lord; He is our help and our shield. For our heart is glad in Him, because we trust in His holy name. Let your steadfast love, O Lord, be upon us, even as we hope in you." 
 
I cannot help but to wonder how often we do not wait long enough on our God? How often do we get impatient and give up or take another path because we lack in the belief that God can do anything? How often do we go against His perfect will because we just cannot wait? The Bible tells us so often about the importance of waiting and patience. Isaiah 30:18 , Isaiah 40:31, Proverbs 3:5-6, Psalms 27:14. James tells us the benefits of life's trials. I can do nothing right now but wait. I have learned patience, endurance, and reliance on God. I was forced to. There has been no other option for me. Nothing slows us down like waiting on God.
 
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