In our relationship I keep going back to the nature of language and words. Yet there always seems to be a sinister element to our use of words – an element that’s built into the very fiber of language itself. As soon as we utter a single word we have created some kind of limitation, or drawn some kind of boundary.
How would we think, communicate, speak, instruct, or pray if words did not exist? But if words did not exist our conscious being would be immensely less limited or constrained. Nonetheless, words cannot explain this even though we are compelled to use them to try.
I save all these letters I write to You and I do go back and re-read them from time to time. I’m always struck by the ostensible sincerity, insight, growth and development they convey. Furthermore, I am strongly struck by examining myself at the times I am re-reading them and realizing how little attention I have actually paid to much of what I have written. Words, words, words! They convey more of what I want to be than what I am. Yet even at the times I feel You have touched me in some direct or indirect way, words are involved.
In all the words I speak, write, or read, I always feel there’s something lacking. The precision of words to perfectly express what is in our hearts and minds, quite simply, does not exist. Unity of mind, body, and spirit with You is wordless. Somehow our immersion in a sea of language and words influences the purity of our being – our being that needs no words to be what it is, yet is shaped (in our own conception) by words.
Thus what I find in my letters to You are ideals. I paint in words what I seek, what I strive for, what I hope to be rather than what I am when all the words are removed. It makes one wonder if man, as God conceived him, really needed language, or if language is a result of “the fall.”
A constant topic written and spoken about by the desert fathers, saints, monks, and spiritual writers is “silence.” Such treatment acknowledges how words get in the way. But even in silence we are left with the words in our minds. I hope and trust that You see beyond all words.