I should face it. I’m not really a contemplative. What I am is a “wanna-be” contemplative prone to “fraudulent adjustments” in my life that tend to convince me I am a contemplative.
Adjustments must be made in a pedestrian and mundane existence to reach even the beginning levels of contemplation. This part I realize. But the adjustments become fraudulent when they are made to accommodate the needs and comfort of the false self. Contemplation characterized by a “holding back” or mental reservation is not really contemplation at all. So, I look at myself and sigh. I’ll never really get there – wherever “there” is. The reason is because there is always something I will hold back because of a desire to retain this or that aspect of my false self.
Sometimes it seems like more of a hobby than a commitment. But I do love You and I do want to be closer to You and I realize that contemplation is the way to do this. Fraudulent adjustments are hypocrisies professing (to oneself) living life one way - while actually living it another.
I spend a few minutes with You each morning, then I busy myself with trivia the rest of the day – whereas the contemplative keeps You present to him/herself in whatever he/she does all day. Instead of this, I make “adjustments” in my busy-ness that strike me as fraudulent in the sense that they may be more patterned to suit my ego than to please You. The “up” side is that I’m aware of it, but, when nothing is done about it, the “down” side is it makes it even more hypocritical and fraudulent.
To will what one knows is good but what one may not want because of “inconvenience” is to nurture a predilection for fraudulent adjustments. It is possible to act with this awareness and still know that You see through it (with a vision of which we are incapable) and still love us.