It's either about you, or it is not about you at all. I don't know about your story or you successes/failures in the Christian life, but as for me, it is very, Very, up and down. It is such a struggle to find the "full life" Jesus promised to bring. I fail miserably at finding SUSTAINED SOCCESS in my relationship with God. Each twist and turn of life brings on new challenges, disappointments, and often new failures. Its puzzling sometimes. Its not like I'm "always doing the ssme thing expecting different results". In fact, while examining the different stages of my life I find them to be vastly different. Each stage, however, has left me with regrets, wanting more, much more. The sad truth is they all have one thing in common, ME.
I realized again tonight just how hard the disease of pride is for one to discover in oneself. We are all deluded arent we? I walk this earth thinking I am something special, a person of great importance. After all, Jesus died for me didnt He? God has gifted me beyond my own understanding and so that must mean I am a force to be reckoned with. I live each day believing I AM and will be A DIFFERENCE MAKER. I look each day to learn more about myself, advance MY story. I push forward impatiently, looking to "arrive" at MY destiny. I didn't realize it, but apparently I have a pride problem. My story has been the single greatest focus of my life. Its been about ME; abou me getting saved, about ME and MY struggle with addiction; about MY work for God, and what I hope to one day be.
It's amazing how ee rewrite facts. The reality is anything good in my life came from God. He saved me and rescues me each and every day. He picked me up, gave me a chance to find somthing goid on earth. Despite my best efforts to ruin every good thing He brings my way, He still breaks through. It doesn't matter, really, if i truly understand and accept that this Life on Earth is His story being told and no matter what the future holds, history and time will remember Earth and its people, and the God it revealed. I can fight to stand out; I can be like a child yelling at his would be attackers "I am special" when all along unknown to the child it was the mighty father standing behind him that scared the would be victors away. Tonight I realize I must quit looking for me, for my place. I have to take my focus off of my struggles and off of my story. I have to forget about ME. I am not a difference maker. I am no body. I have to find my role in His story and get caught up in it's epic unfolding. My life, from every twist to every turn has to be about him. He brouhjt me back to life and He will do something with me if I'll get out of the way. Hardest challenge I will EVER face. I have to do what is un natural and make His story more important than my life. Reader, I will need your prayers, and your encouragement if I am to succeed, for this will prove to be the hardest battle I will face and the Toughest villian. If I do focus my life on Him, and know what it is to know Him, to live For Him, "I am confident I will see the goodness of the Lord here on Earth" as David said and did.