Letters to Jesus (Seeking Spiritual Connection) - 4
Among the many paradoxes of the spiritual life is the one that reveals the correlation between sin (a separation from God) and the “quest” (seeking closeness to God).
The closer we grow to God and the more our relationship with Him flourishes, the greater becomes our awareness of our own faults and shortcomings – our sinfulness! I’m not sure what the exact chronology is, but as we grow and mature in the spiritual life we do become more aware of our faults, weaknesses and mistakes (our sins). Or, is it that an increased awareness of our sins moves us toward the pursuit of a more spiritual life? I suppose it depends on the individual. It could be true that a little bit of both comes into play. For me, however, I think the former case is truest.
As the spiritual life and our closeness to God grows and deepenswe are more and more confronted with the prospect of our own wretchedness. The contrasts between what I want to be and what I am become stark. My hypocrisies cannot be hidden and I wonder how You could love me so much. I feel certain that I am a disappointment to You and it seems I cannot help myself. I wonder if I will ever be able to not be a disappointment to You. The fact is, more often than not, I am a disappointment to myself; and the more I keep knocking on Your door and being admitted to the warmth of Your unwavering love, the more I realize my failings.
It might seem that the only course is to reluctantly resign oneself to accepting this since there seems no way out of it. But there is a way, and it’s through that same door. What I feel about myself may be true but it’s of little consequence against what You feel for me. It is a phenomenon possible to imagine in some ways, but impossible to fully comprehend. Yet without it I have nothing to rely on but myself; and my feelings about myself are not that good. Whatever good I am comes from Your love. The realization of this, despite the realization of my own wretchedness, keeps me knocking at Your door.