[simmonss]

First let me say I have been married to the same woman for over 34 years. I have loved her for all those years. I have been faithful and loyal to her.

Let me also say that she has been diagnosed several years ago with bipolar condition. She has told me many times during her "episodes" that she hates me and other things that went so nice. I have to the best of my ability made her the center of my world with God first and her second. She does not stay on her medication and 80% of the time when we are together I am not happy. Now the 20% when she is on her meds and thinking right we have the best times. That is when I know she does love me. I can see it I can tell it. Sweetest person you want to meet when she is on her medications.

Now don't think I am sitting here telling you I am perfect because I am way from it. I make mistakes and I am sure life with me has not been a bed of roses.

But anyway. Over the years any time her mother so much as stumps her toe she runs to her and always with the intent to stay a week. Every time I get a call telling me no I am going to be here another week because mom needs me. Understand this has been going on over 34 years. Didn't matter what was happening at home. We have 3 children and most of these times they were in school and I was at work. I had to take care of the house and everything.

Now for the problem today. On Tuesday before Thanksgiving she gets a call that her dad was going into the hospital and only had 10 days to live. She and my grown children took off to Ocala, Fl where her parents live. I could not get off work so I stayed here. Well the first thing they got down there and I get a call from my son. The real story was he was going in the hospital and if he did not take some sort of treatment he had 10 days to live. Like taking a shot or something. Well the hospital wanted to do more studies on him and referred him to the big hospital at University of Florida. That was going to be the fist Monday in December and the test would take a week. Remember just test. No procedures. Now she decided she needed to stay in Ocala while he underwent the test then she would come home. Three weeks she was there. The test determined he needed a heart pump which was scheduled for December 29th. She left here the day after Christmas to be there for the operation. She told me she told her brothers and mother "I am just going to be there till Tuesday after the operations I need to get back to my husband and there is no reason for me to just sit at the hospital. Well needless to say it is now January 18th and she is still not home. It is always some reason. Well when they get him here I am coming home then there is one excuse after another. Now I must explain that she has a brother who lives there across the street from her parents that has publicly and privately dedicated his life to his parents because of something they did for him back several years ago. He has no wife or kids and is retired and is there for his parents 24 7. Now in the last 7 weeks my wife has been home with me 9 days. I talk to her every day and tell her how much I miss her and that I really need her here with me. Now two weeks ago I began having some medical problems. Doctors scheduled me for several test. They thought I had leukemia. I tried to get her to come home and be with me during this time to no avail. Was told that her parents needed her more.

I am tired and don't know what to do. I took my wedding vows seriously including the part of forsaking all other. Tell me as a Christian what I should do. Am I having the right feeling that she really doesn't care that much for me or am I just depressed and being ridiculous? I am at my wits end. I don't know where to go from here. Am I wrong?

[MMari]

"I am tired and don't know what to do. I took my wedding vows seriously including the part of forsaking all other. Tell me as a Christian what I should do. Am I having the right feeling that she really doesn't care that much for me or am I just depressed and being ridiculous? I am at my wits end. I don't know where to go from here. Am I wrong?"
SimmonsS,
I will only answer you from what I know and understand experientially. From my youth I have experienced the woes of what it is like to live in and around those with Bi-polar. If began with my grandfather who we ended up taking care of, then the uncle I lived with who though a christian man could not deal with the long periods of depression to my own child. The path is a difficult path and is riddled with heartache and often times leaving one with not knowing what is going to happen next; leaving one in an emotional flux.
With my own child it has been a particularly difficult road and as she went through many different things along with the Bi-Polar as well which were heartbreaking and very draining. As she became a young adult there were times without the medication and there were times she leaned toward self medicating and near death experiences. I had to become a tough love parent in many respects as often there are dynamics to this which one learns and encourage her in learning to use the tools she had learned and use the talents God had given her. During all of this without God I could not have endured. I have shortened my experience obviously but shared only to let you know I understand that this has not been an easy path. Although my daughter is now in her twenties and an adult she is a success story. She is graduating from college in May Magna *** laude; she just took her test for graduate school and past. My daughter's response now to her success is that it is God. Having said all of this....
I live nearly a thousand miles from my daughter... she has an intense need to hear from me, to talk to me sometimes two times a day at least five out of 7 days; it doesn't always have to be about anything another person would perhaps consider important, she needs to know I am there. My daughter is an intense person, she is a good girl and even though she trusts God and puts him in the center of her life, she still has her times of striking out at me when her life becomes out of control. The only thing I can conclude is she feels safe and she knows that though I can be hurt I will alway love her through it. I do call her on it and we do talk about it. I don't know your wife's relationship to her parents and what they have been through with her.
Presently, my daughter is intending to get married and her fiance approaches me about how to handle situations with her now. I attempt to give good positive imput yet I remind him that he needs to understand her and accept her for the person she is and I do the same with her and encourage the exchanges between them. I don't know the dynamics of your relationship, your wife's relationship to her parents, and again if there are any secondary diagnoses that go with the Bi-Polar; what I do know is that God is faithful and He can do exceedingly abundantly above all we ask or think. To date my daughter's doctor calls her his miracle patient. I encourage you to talk to your wife and ask her the questions you need answers to and then continue to pray. My heart goes out to you as I know this is not easy. My prayers are with you.

[Beauty1]

This is a situation that doesn't have an easy answer.

I would just encourage you to take this matter to the Lord. Give it to Him...

Seek council from your local church (with your wife).
If not with your wife.. Seek council for yourself. There is no shame in that.

Bipolar is a serious condition.. I know; I have very close family members with the condition. I do understand what your going through on that. Its important to remember that "the brain is sick" Its not operating right. Even when the person is taking the meds regularly. Try to be patient with her and show her your unconditional love.

SimonsS I heartly applaud your LONG and diligent steadfast expression of compassion toward your wife of 34 years!

WOW!

May I say CONGRATULATIONS?

Now then you have already firmly established your love for your wife, so can I suggest (in Love) that you let your long lasting compassion for her determine your decision?

Just a thought.

God bless!

Michael

[walkinthespirit]

wow simmonss and Mmari, praise God for sharing, cause HE doesnt want us to carry our burdens alone. And yes I cant say enough about the power of prayer, and the LOrd has shown me the power of praying for a family member. You know the Lord doesnt make things complicated, HE meets you where you are. Even though HE has taken me thru a few trials and wants me to be specific in my prayers, as peeps can see by my prayers, HE will meet you where you are. Tell the LORD your desires, and watch HIM work! I will ask HOly Spirit to lead me, and send you my prayers my freind!
for you...Isaiah 42:5-7 woohoo thank YOU JESUS!

Dear Simmons--What I am not hearing is pretty much what Beauty 1 suggested--there is no networking (or at least you're not reporting any) going on between you and your wife's doctor, and your spiritual counselor.
I'm also not hearing where your children are emotionally etc, in all of this--the same for family, friends etc.
Minimally, you must consult and network with a spiritual counselor and the two doctors involved.
we all pray for you
antonio

[forgiveme9504]

Hello, I'm a new comer. My In-laws are just the same way with my husband. They come from a christain family to. But sometimes they lie to him just to get him away from me cause they don't like me at all. I worked in the med. field for a long time. Your wife needs to take her meds. on time and stay on them. But she has no excuse to be treating you that way. Bi-polar has its days, but I would sit down and talk to her on a good day and ask why she is treating you this way. I understand that it is her parents and all but she married you. God said, when you marry you leave your mother and father and become one when you marry someone. I am not a good qouter of the bible but it is in there. Does her parents like you? You guys need to sit and talk. My in-laws hate me cause I am Baptist, they are church of god. Hope it helps. GOD BLESS YOU!!! You will be in my Prayers.

[Pumpkin]

Hi Simmonss,

Well done for sticking to your vows under what appear to be difficult circumstances at times.

Sharing our life with another seems to be one of the greatest challenges that us humans face. One only has to look at the hurt and the conflict in the world as testimony to this. I suppose what you are going through is similar to that which many women go through when they are married to someone in the military services, the person absent seemingly putting something else first, above family needs.

Perhaps consider, after all this time if things are likely to change. If they are not, how can you come to terms with the way it is and is likely to remain? We can't really change another person if they don't want to make a change in themselves. And I dare say we don't have the right to decide how another persons personality should be. What we can do, and what we do have the right to do is work on our own inner self to find the direction we need to go in.

I wish I could offer you a constructive answer to your problems, but all I can suggest is that, if you intend to stay with your wife for the rest of your days, don't be afraid to ask others for advice or counsel because you never know what pearls of wisdom may come your way. One day, someone may just be able to say those words which opens up a whole new way of viewing the situation.

God bless to you,I hope you can find peace in this.

[thechosen1]

What i think you need to do, is go to god in prayier about this problem and then when you get through praying about it, ask the lord to send her back home. Leave it with the lord to do just that.Leave her alone about comeing home. Then go on a 36 hour fast, just drinking water. Stay in your bible ask go to lead you to the scriptures that can comfort you at this time. And i dare you to just praise god during this 36 hour period, and just worship him.I guarntee you that not only will he workout the situation with your wife he will also take care of your illness to.

Hey Simmonss,

I'm new here but not new to the realities of this life or of trying to walk with God in them. I happen to have a DX of bipolar and my hubby has endured some tough things for me too over time, and God has also been very present in my crazy life, always lifting me up and out or saving or delivering me, as I do continue always to press toward his purposes and callings, feeling like this is sort of a thorn in the side which has been with me long time.

I am Undergrad @ Christian Univ. with Psych and Counceling passion and present goal, ironically I guess, with a heart for people who suffer much of the same conflicts and pains I have.

One thing characterizes people with severe depression often is that they become obsessed with something that they attach themselves to which provides them some sort of lift in their life. Obsession is a key word, and it's like being an addict or compulsive gambler. It's also like Paul's when he said...the things I would do, I do not, and the things I would not, I do! Who shall save me from this body of sin? Depression can be like an inescapable prison...and without medication "and" counceling combined people remian lost in the forest.

No grumbling from you or even words of condemnation will help much, except to push the person further into their narrow world. So what do you do? Are you supposed to continue to endure forever, ever increasing amounts of exclusion, lonliness, feelings of fultility, etc?

"The letter kills but the Spirit brings life"....to try to live by and under the Law will only weigh you down, press you down, and destroy your strength. Love is the reason for the Law, not intolerable commandments. If you do attempt to hang on, unless you find or realize a firm purpose in Love and God to do so, you are becoming like prey to temptation.

One thing that occurs to me is, as long as you allow these people to continue on their ineffective self medicating course, they will....they do not usually pull themselves out alone but need a greater power outside themselves to snap them to reality.

Has your wife been made aware that she is putting you at risk of wandering? She may **** up if she hears it and turn the tables to make it appear like she is the victim, and throw a big self centered party, but she "will" think about it later! No one gets away with No responsibility in life, and while she may not realize it, that includes her. She is a party in what's happening and may as well know now that while she is indulging in what "seems" to makes her feel better, she may be losing what matters most, which she is not giving any attention to.

It may sound tough, but tough love is sometimes the only way to snap a person to reality. If 2 are divided how shall they stand? The woman i'm sure needs counceling therapy and if she's had it before, she needs more. She needs to be taking her meds faithfully and if she will not, then she is saying she will not try to hold on to what she has.

It's a rare person who is able to withstand for a lifetime being a castaway in their own life. The sad thing is...people do leave...and sometimes much much later in life recognize reasons that they shouldn't have...."greater reasons." God is not in the condemning business, yet our conscience does speak to us. We may face some losses by choosing new paths in life which were not God's original ones, but God is merciful and even understanding, knows our human weakness and needs.

It's all an individual soul searching thing....you know how much you can take, and what your choices will mean to you personally. Be driven by guilt isn't very helpful...but if there is guilt in your conscience over any thoughts you may have, what real reasons might be there be....what things might our voice of conscious be saying to us...besides just that you are a sinner and condemned if you do thus and so? Hardly anyone can live and survive on guilt and condemnation as a motivator...and God "is not" motivating us by these either! If he is trying to give us something it's Not those things!

You are in a tough place, and God knows most of us facve some tough places in life and sometimes many! One day you will look back at this day....so as the others said, I agree...seek God daily and with a whole heart...for answers!...to show you the way!...To provide resources and helps. But also, your wife is not likley to freely walk into her real repsonsibilites in life...which do have meaning to her though she doesn't realize it...most likley....the more she can live outside of real reality, the more she might....you have every Godly right to have some say in the matter....and to let her know some of the realities, which may be to her benefit. preachergirl