“Concern should drive us into action, not into depression.”~Karen Horney
I would like to address a problem in todays society that is going unnoticed. The problem is that parents are feeling overwhelmed and underqualified to raise their kids. They feel guilty when symptoms go unnoticed. They feel guilty when their own children are finally diagnosed with any number of issues.
The problem is uniquely described in the following post:
“Daniel,
You expressed that all modes of learning are acceptable but simply different and this is so true. With 3 of my own children, I noted that they used a combination of all modes but relied more on the traditional visual approach to learning. A third child perplexed me as although he used all modes of learning...each day and each subject and each teacher changed his needs!
As he grew he was able to explain to me how he processed new information and this helped me tremendously. I was able to come up with ways to present new ideas but it was a hit and miss kind of thing. Most teachers didn't have the time or motivation to focus on his needs.
Later he became very adept at learning independently. He was diagnosed this and that but depression was missed completely, missed by everyone including myself.
How could I know when he was so happy and at peace when we spent time together, we spent a great deal of time together due to his learning problems. Why was depression missed? How could this happen?? He was and is such a free spirit and full of energy and love and wanting adventure...full of faith and dreams and goals! But depression was missed by the doctors, the school , family and myself.
I who knew this child better than anyone missed it. How did this happen?”
From LikeTheWind7 from the Internet.
LikeTheWind, you asked:
"He was and is such a free spirit and full of energy and love and wanting adventure...full of faith and dreams and goals! But depression was missed by the doctors, the school , family and myself. I who knew this child better than anyone missed it. How did this happen?"
Let me tell you something, you missed the signs of depression because he did not have any when he was around you or anyone else.
Think of it this way. Your child went through life feeling happy, like everyone else. As he grew, his personality developed into the beautiful person he uniquely is. He found the best ways for him to experience life. He learned which senses gave him the best tasting from the table that is our world.
(See my article “Americas Children: How They Learn And How We Can Make It Better)
Newsvine - America's Children, How They Learn, and How We Can Make Teaching Better. Part 1
As children, we start off life with a very egocentric view. Children believe “I experience things like everyone else. Everyone else experiences things just like me.” When he entered school, he discovered he learned differently from the majority of children. He sits in school trying to grasp abstract concepts that seem like common sense to the other children and teachers around him.
Your child starts to question concepts about himself. If I can not learn like everyone else is learning, what else is wrong with me. He feels ignorant, stupid, inadequate, and powerless. This develops into a complex cycle of low self-esteem, frustration, and depression. Eventually, he starts feeling more and more outcast, more alone, more different.
Unfortunately, in this situation, children have two strike against them. The first strike is that children are still developing their language skills. They are just learning how to use language, so expressing complex feelings can be problematic. A child can say to you “I hurt,” “I feel bad,” or “I am sad,” but this does little to really explain the who, what, when, where, and why of emotion.
The second strike is that children are impulsive by nature. We see this all the time. Put a candy bar on the table and leave the room. Unless he has been taught a certain etiquette, your child will grab the candy bar. As a child, you only feel the need and fill the need immediately, not realizing that temporary satiation of the need will not mean it is solved forever. As adults, we learn the benefits of time management and planning.
The only times he does not feel “his need” is when he is around people who are doing things he can understand. Whether it is with his family or friends, he finds that he feels better about himself, better about life, as long as he is not isolated or alone. Your closeness, your intimacy, your love helped shelter him from these negative feelings that were evolving.
But no man can be around people all the time. When he goes to bed at night, fears may start to set in. He may feel so worthless that he does not see why anyone would bother with him, should bother with him. He would reflect on the mistakes of the day, instead of taking pride on the accomplishments. He would get frustrated about himself, then fellow students and teachers, that would lead to frustration with friends, then family, then back to himself.
*
Ultimately, instead of living life anymore, he begins to just wait for death. Sure there will be spurts of happiness intermixed into his existence, but everything he sees will be tainted.
People around him will be only there to abandon him eventually.
Things most would value, he does not care for or gives away, because they will get broken or stolen anyway.
The places he used to love no longer interest him because they remind him of happiness he can no longer experience because it is in the past.
“Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;”~Proverbs 3:5 NIV
Professional intervention is very important, but not for the reasons many people think. Not necessarily because someone has studied the human mind for years, or looked at the behaviors of monkeys and apply them to humanity. The main reason professional intervention is important is because it is objective. Objectivity is key because the human heart is very deceptive. As the child dealing with issues, as parents dealing with the child, we often have egocentric tunnel vision. A professional can look at things from a non-partial outside point of view, without the taint of emotional interference. What we perceive as good action, with the purest intention, it can back fire and inflame a situation.
“The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?”~Jeremiah 17:9 NIV
If there is not professional intervention, it may drive a wedge in his and your relationship. He learns the only way to feel right is if he has company around, but at the same time, his bitterness will have crept into his personality and*driven friends and family away.*He may turn to drugs, and his addiction is not really to the chemicals he is ingesting. His addiction is for anything that will keep him feeling comfortable with himself around others.
I recommend you read this article I wrote on Shame and the one on Pride, it may help you understand the self esteem issue, as well.
Newsvine - Shame Newsvine - The Who, What, And How Of Pride: If We Truly Understand Ourselves, Then We Can Start To Understand Others.
Also, if you need to advice, or just to vent about the issue, feel free to contact me,
"You may be a horrible cook, but you are a wonderful friend"~ Kenneth (about Daniel Slack)
I hope that puts a little more insight to his experience in your life.
“To be lonely is to be depressed, to have a friend brings happiness!”~Unknown
Daniel Slack
Depression: Why Couldn't I Detect My Child's? 
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Re: Depression: Why Couldn't I Detect My Child's? 
You are so right. Although as you say it can change sometimes it doesn't always in our parents so as adults we love them through it. It isn't always an easy piece but God honors our endeavors to honor our parents. My step dad always jokingly said "once a man, twice a child." He was the best thing which ever happened to us but yet I was just graduating from highschool when he came into the picture. He was a dear man. His saying I find is in a way true. As my mother is well along in age and is somewhat more like a child in her needs for affection now.
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