[Anne]

Hi... This is nothing shocking. I'll state the problems/questions briefly, then add explanation.

1. Why do the pastors I talk to (three of them) seem so eager to talk the first time, and then seem to lose interest?

2. And how do I handle the most recent one who I emailed and he seemed so eager--the first email was long and enthusiastic and informative, I wrote back, the second reply was kind of short, and the rest consist of "How are you" and very little else? Do I write back to be polite, ask him what's going on, or just not reply and figure he won't notice?

Some details: I'm a middle-aged woman, and I do bathe and use deodorant and I'm trying to get back the faith (Christian; Lutheran or Baptist) I had when I was younger. One way I do this is by attending church. I've visited three, giving each one a month to see if it seems like the right place. If I think it might be, which I have each time, I ask to talk to the clergyman in charge, if they haven't already asked me.

And EACH TIME--it's getting frustrating--when they first see me they want to talk, and praise my intelligence and good questions, and so forth, and we have a wonderful all-over-the-place talk (or emailing exchange) 15 minutes to an hour. The conversation seems to me pretty even, each of us talking about the same amount of time, and I ask them about themselves too, and I don't contradict them, and we agree to talk again some time soon with smiles all around... and then NOTHING.

I'm not talking about expecting them to talk to me every day, or every week... just enough to get the main questions out of the way, about what that particular denomination and particular church family is like, and I'd like a little guidance about getting back my faith.

So they say they'd like to talk again--I believe two of them suggested that instead of my having to ask. But it never happens. I try to kind of jog their memory about that when I leave the morning service and we shake hands, like mentioning how much I enjoyed it before and I hope to do it again some time when they have some spare time, but I'm not confrontational.

I can understand people being too busy to fit in another half-hour or so, but why don't they just say so? It leaves me wondering what I did or whether pastors just don't like me. Any insights?

And what should I do about the one whose emails have dwindled to the point that we could cover the whole thing when we shake hands after Sunday morning service? I'm leaning towards just not writing back, but that's impolite... but if I wrote, what would I say? "I'm fine." That's the only response that could come out of his message. What would be the point? I don't want to seem to complain, though.

My choice has been made about which church I'll attend, and I'm not letting the pastor problem interfere. I'd enjoy it more if I didn't get that rejected feeling when the pastor walks in, but it's not primarily the pastor I'm going there to meet.

By the way, the rest of the people at these churches (one is now my main church, but I still drop in on Sunday nights at another one because the main one doesn't have Sunday night services) anyway the people are great to me, and I am to them, and I've already made some friends there, and we phone each other occasionally, talk after services and hug each other and so forth. So I don't really think it's the deodorant or that my personality stinks. But what IS it???

I really do want help, not just sympathy. Thanks so much to those who answer.

Maybe I missed something. What is it you want them to talk to you about? About choosing a church? Or just to talk? I may have missed that in your statement.

I would love to address your question but i need just a lil more info.

God Bless

[Anne]

Hi.. Thanks for the reply. I want to talk about whether I'd fit in with that congregation... whether they think I've come far enough back to faith to join... and while I'm waiting until *I* think it's time, what service projects it would be okay to participate in... what their suggestions would be about getting back faith, for instance, one recommended a book and I'm currently reading it... what led them to their faith... that kind of thing.

[Dewayne]

I,m sorry Anne but I must have missed somthing myself, I would like to hear more myself.
I know when Sherry and me moved to our home church we are at now, we prayed and God showed us we should be, now to us our sign to where we belonged was not talking to the pastor, but how we would feel after church.

we would feel like we had been to church, was blessed, felt good inside, and the people was good to us, we have been there 11 years now, God is good to us, and He will be to you too.......Dewayne

Originally Posted by Anne

Hi.. Thanks for the reply. I want to talk about whether I'd fit in with that congregation... whether they think I've come far enough back to faith to join... and while I'm waiting until *I* think it's time, what service projects it would be okay to participate in... what their suggestions would be about getting back faith, for instance, one recommended a book and I'm currently reading it... what led them to their faith... that kind of thing.

Ok I understand better. Perhaps they feel they have lead you in the correct direction and are letting the Lord work in your heart.

They may think you need time to see what the Lord wants for you to do and said most of what they felt they should say in there first address to you. that is what I would do in their position.

To me a pastors job is to lead his sheep, a good pastor would know he can only do this with the help of the real shepherd.

I would not think that they have forgotten you are are not interested. I do not know them personally but if they are good pastors they would have your needs in mind. And the understanding that they can only do a little where the Lord can do alot.

I hope that helps
God Bless

[Soulheart3]

Hi Anne, welcome to the forum. I got an idea, why dont you pretend we are all pastors here (we at least are all - for the most part- servants of God, some pastors, some very knowledgable, some very much led by the spirit) and ask us those questions. We sorta consider ourselves a church here so perhaps if we can as a group answer your questions, perhaps you will be encouraged to stay with us too.

-Brad

Anne, It's always been my experience for 30 years now, that I've had to look and sometimes wait and look, and look, and sooner or later God has always led me to a Church where I felt and knew the "Life" I so wanted and needed to even keep me going. You have churches where the activities that go on are the main topic of conversation and then you have churches where the Life in the Spirit of God is "always" the topic with Everyone! These are not as easy to find. You will find and experience a much deeper and a greater amount of spiritual fellowship in a Church that is Very Alive and Moving...not in schedules and activities...but in the Spirit.

This may not sound reasonable to some, but it's like this God sent woman who was like a spiritual mother to me for a time said once....Once you have known the deeper walk in God's Spirit, nothing else will ever satisfy you...and you are wanting to return to a special place....and many of us do have "special places" we want to return to...

Trust me...there is a place....you may not even know of it yet...and sometimes there is a season before you find it....I finally found mine recently...and it was because my young daughter went with a friend to this Revival in the next city and was saved and transformed....so ofcourse I went to check it out...and found the fellowship I had not found in this place until then.

God is able to show you, or lead you to it...just keep looking and do pray...and do wait as you go....and in due time....you will find your place.

And when you do...you will "know" it right away...yes, you will know.

In the meantime...you can still return to that special place...because it's still inside you...and it's the Lord who is calling you back to it. love kim

[NotFinishedYet]

Originally Posted by Anne

Hi... This is nothing shocking. I'll state the problems/questions briefly, then add explanation.

1. Why do the pastors I talk to (three of them) seem so eager to talk the first time, and then seem to lose interest?

2. And how do I handle the most recent one who I emailed and he seemed so eager--the first email was long and enthusiastic and informative, I wrote back, the second reply was kind of short, and the rest consist of "How are you" and very little else? Do I write back to be polite, ask him what's going on, or just not reply and figure he won't notice?

Anne: if much of your contact is via email, there may be several issues. 1.) emails aren't letters and computer etiquette indicates they should be short and sweet. The pastors (esp younger ones) may be just following "netiquette". 2.) Ministers can get tons of e-mail daily. Most try to at least give some sort of answer as quickly as they can. That may mean short answers or delayed ones. 3.) You may be expecting equal interaction as with a friend, when they are "pastoring". 4.) Men and women communicate very differently: men general only talk when they have something to say; women chat.

Some details: I'm a middle-aged woman, and I do bathe and use deodorant and I'm trying to get back the faith (Christian; Lutheran or Baptist) I had when I was younger. One way I do this is by attending church. I've visited three, giving each one a month to see if it seems like the right place. If I think it might be, which I have each time, I ask to talk to the clergyman in charge, if they haven't already asked me.

And EACH TIME--it's getting frustrating--when they first see me they want to talk, and praise my intelligence and good questions, and so forth, and we have a wonderful all-over-the-place talk (or emailing exchange) 15 minutes to an hour. The conversation seems to me pretty even, each of us talking about the same amount of time, and I ask them about themselves too, and I don't contradict them, and we agree to talk again some time soon with smiles all around... and then NOTHING.

I'm not talking about expecting them to talk to me every day, or every week... just enough to get the main questions out of the way, about what that particular denomination and particular church family is like, and I'd like a little guidance about getting back my faith.

So they say they'd like to talk again--I believe two of them suggested that instead of my having to ask. But it never happens. I try to kind of jog their memory about that when I leave the morning service and we shake hands, like mentioning how much I enjoyed it before and I hope to do it again some time when they have some spare time, but I'm not confrontational.

Many of us females (especially those of us who are older) have been trained not to be "pushy". Not to be initiators. That leaves you dissatisfied and waiting around for someone to notice your need rather than putting it right up front. Stop waiting for them to ask to talk to you: they don't know that it's this important to you. Saying they can do it in their "spare time" tells them there is no urgency, that you'll wait forever. Ask for an appointment, agree to a timeframe and go talk with them. But don't make it a social visit. Do the minimum social niceness and get to your point: direct the conversation rather than hoping they figure out what you want.

I can understand people being too busy to fit in another half-hour or so, but why don't they just say so? It leaves me wondering what I did or whether pastors just don't like me. Any insights?

And what should I do about the one whose emails have dwindled to the point that we could cover the whole thing when we shake hands after Sunday morning service? I'm leaning towards just not writing back, but that's impolite... but if I wrote, what would I say? "I'm fine." That's the only response that could come out of his message. What would be the point? I don't want to seem to complain, though.

Again, I think you may be using a different social netiquette than him. Your sense of politeness may be what is the issue and causing the problem. Not that you shouldn't be polite, but perhaps more direct.

My choice has been made about which church I'll attend, and I'm not letting the pastor problem interfere. I'd enjoy it more if I didn't get that rejected feeling when the pastor walks in, but it's not primarily the pastor I'm going there to meet.

Sounds like you are second guessing what's happening and it's affecting yourself esteem? Unspoken expectations tend to be unmet expectations.

By the way, the rest of the people at these churches (one is now my main church, but I still drop in on Sunday nights at another one because the main one doesn't have Sunday night services) anyway the people are great to me, and I am to them, and I've already made some friends there, and we phone each other occasionally, talk after services and hug each other and so forth. So I don't really think it's the deodorant or that my personality stinks. But what IS it???

I really do want help, not just sympathy. Thanks so much to those who answer.

You're making some great leaps here on putting yourself down, sister. Have you considered it might just be your technique and nothing personal about you? Honestly, we females are great at doing that, especially around men of authority in our eyes. Pray over this, ask God for wisdom and insight, think about trying a different approach if there is one that is comfortable to you. Please keep us informed: and as Souheart said - use us to practice. We are also your church.

[Anne]

Thanks to you all... you've given me a lot to think about. Maybe I should be more insistent with the pastors, but, get this, I don't want them to dislike me. Is that just my female training? Being liked is REALLY not the main reason for being in church. I do enjoy that the church members are so friendly and welcoming, and that I'm finding some friends among them. But the times I've felt in companionship with God... I'd go the rest of my life without seeing another human being if necessary to have that.

The two churches I've chosen, my main one and the one I go to when the main one isn't having an activity--both are places where I've felt that presence and contact. At the main one, each Sunday I either feel something like that, or there's a Bible passage or sermon that tells me something I needed to hear. No way I'll stay away from there!

As for why the pastors seem to want only one serious meeting/email... some great ideas from you, and I came up with a few of my own:

1. Pastors are human beings. They sometimes offer more than they turn out to be able to deliver. They still mean to get back to me... some day.

2. This is the Deep South of the USA. Nobody EVER tells anybody they don't have time for them. Not even if they really, really don't have time for them. This and similar ultra-polite rules can be annoying, but that's the South and if I don't like it, I can leave. But I won't. I've always lived here and I love the weather, the slower pace, the scenery... and now my 2 churches and the people in them.

3. That great idea that the pastors are leaving it to God to take me the rest of the way (and we did cover a lot of my questions in the meeting/long email)... taking that a step farther, it could be God warning me to not put all my trust in one person, but most of it in Him. When I pray, sometimes things come into my mind that solve various problems. I hope it's from God. If so, that's better than any solutions humans can offer. We're all influenced by our own experiences and limitations. It sure is good to talk to another person sometimes, though.

I probably think of pastors as possibly special among people. Maybe I think they have an easier contact with God from so much practice, and/or that that's why they became pastors, because they have better communication with Him. They at least have a lot of experience with people's problems and what helps.

Okay, I'm done. Thanks again. Hmm, anybody want to chat?

--Anne

[NotFinishedYet]

Anne: I'm glad you're finding answers for yourself. There's always someone on this forum to chat with, I've found someone no matter what time of day. So reach out and we'll be there! Have a blessed day! Peggy