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Age: 33 Years

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Signup Date: 04/09/2014

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12:40 PM   [18 Apr 2014 | Friday]

Goodbye Baby Abel

Well it has been 4 days now since I lost baby Abel. I have been meaning to make a post about everything but I don't think that I was ready yet. I don't think that I will ever really be ready but here goes. It was Monday morning when I woke up at 3:30 with contractions. After going back to sleep and waking up around 7:45 I was having more painful contractions. As the day went on they continued. It was around 2:30 in the afternoon when I put my girls down for a nap. I decided to try and get a nap in too. I woke up around 4:00 having more painful contractions. I told my husband that I wanted to get in the bath to help with the pain and because we had decided that was where I wanted to be to have Abel. I ran some bathwater and stood in the tub when I had a contraction and blood started gushing down my leg. I sat down and told my husband to call his parents so that they could sit with the girls and he could be with me. He did and they came about 30 minutes later. While we were waiting on them I tried to focus on breathing through the contractions and focusing on the Lord and asking Him to help me through this physically and emotionally. It was really quite creepy because my bath water was completely red and looked like something from a horror movie. After his parents came I asked my husband to help me run some new water. Maybe I should have done this earlier but I will warn you that this might be to graphic for some. If you don't think you want to hear about everything then you might want to stop reading. I will not go into great detail but I will not be lacking in detail either. The main purpose in me writing this is to help anyone who has to face this by letting them know what they could possibly expect. Keep in mind that everyone's experience is different. I had passed a lot of blood clots some were very big. I was having very painful contractions and thought that I was passing the baby but it turned out that it was a blood clot about the size of a baseball not as round but about the size of one. By this point the contractions had gotten very painful. I have never had a natural birth with my girls I had an epidural both times but the contractions were as painful as they were before I got the epidural with my first daughter. It was all I could do to breath through them. It was around 5:45 or so and I started feeling something large trying to come out. I thought that I should probably push through the contractions so I asked my husband what he thought and he said I should because that is how you do it when you normally give birth. I started to try and push with the contractions but some of them were too painful to push through. At this point the pain was horrible. My hands were starting to tingle and felt like they were going numb. It worried me so I told my husband and he said that maybe it was where I was holding my legs and pushing so I stopped holding my legs and just relaxed my hands. I thought that would make it better but it didn't they only got worst. My husband asked if I was ok and I said no I cant move my hands and they are really tingly. It was so weird my hands felt like they were cement and it took everything just to move them a tiny bit. I told my husband that the baby was getting ready to come I could feel the pressure. It was really hard to talk because it seemed like the contractions didn't stop they just keep coming and there was no break in-between. I had another contraction and the baby came out but as it did my hands felt the worst they had and I started crying not on my own free will but it just happened and I couldn't control my emotions. After about 30 seconds of this I was able to make myself stop crying and my husband was a bit freaked out asking me if I was ok. I told him that I was and that the baby came out. As soon as the baby came out I had no more contractions and felt so much better. It is weird how your body knows instantly to stop the contractions and the pain stops. The bath water was again blood red and your couldn't see through it. I told my husband that the baby came out so he reached down to get the baby. He pulled this mass up out of the water and I had passed the placenta with the sac attached to it. I was very thankful for that because I had read storied of people passing the baby then having to pass the placenta too. I sat up to see everything and my husband was telling me that he could see our baby in the sac. He was crying as was I. The sac was about the size of a orange (not as round but in width) and there was our tiny baby. The sac was attached to the placenta which was about the size of a small paper plate (like a dessert plate) My husband went to get a pair of scissors and he cut open the sac and took out our baby. It was a very sad and surreal time. It was hard to believe that I had really just went through all this pain and now I am holding my tiny little baby in my hand. My husband prayed over our baby. We put our baby in a container with some room temperature water and the placenta in another container with water. We let out the bath water and I was going to get up and take a shower as I was standing there I started feeling nausea then I started feeling dizzy and lightheaded. I told my husband that I needed to sit down I didn't feel good. I sat down on the side of the tub then (according to my husband I don't remember this part) I passed out and my husband laid me down in the tub so that I could get blood to my brain. He said that he was holding my face saying my name and asking me if I could hear him. I couldn't and I don't remember any of that. He opened the door and told his mom to call the ambulance. That is the part that I do remember. I heard him talking to her and then him asking me if I was ok. He told me that I passed out and scared him, that the ambulance was coming. I did not want to go to the hospital like I was. I was dirty, I had blood all over me. I told him please let me get up I'm ok please let me take a shower. (Its a good thing he didn't let me I would have passed out again) He told me no that he would help me bathe in the tub so he started pouring water on me and washing me off. He then helped me get out and dry off and started helping me get dressed. We had my shirt left to get on and I started feeling like I was going to pass out again. Thankfully the ambulance was there and they had the stretcher right outside the door so I walked out and got on the stretcher. They started an IV and took me to the hospital. At the hospital they performed an ultrasound to see if I had passed all of the tissue. We were waiting for the OB doctor to do an exam but she had two C-sections to perform so after being at the hospital for 4 and a half hours we left. The ER doctor said that the ultrasound looked like I had passed everything and I should get an appointment with my OB doctor. He also told me that I had lost 3 units of blood, that my levels before this happened was at 13 pints of blood and at the hospital I was measuring at 10 pints of blood and that I was anemic. We went home and tried to get some sleep. Everything felt so unreal. I still was in disbelief that I had just lost this perfect little baby. The next day we prepared Abel and took him to be buried. My husband got the name Abel when we found out that we were pregnant because from the beginning we knew this was our little boy. After having Abel we seen in fact that he was a little boy. Satan has such a hatred for us humans in general but he has a strong hatred for the firstborn male and this punk jerk had taken our firstborn son. Its funny how he thinks that he has won and gotten one over on us but he really hasn't. Abel was a beautiful gift given to us but he is now with the Lord. I have to remember the good things in this situation and not dwell on the bad. This child was a spirit that was put into a body and went to heaven without ever having to suffer in this world. If we are all honest I have to admit that at times I feel bad for having children and bringing them into this horribly sinful cruel world. I would not change the fact that I have my beautiful wonderful girls but I feel bad that they must suffer in this world. I find comfort in knowing that Abel is a soul won for the Lord and he never had to suffer at the hand of Satan and his minions. Don't get me wrong, through this I have had a hard time dealing with things. I have found myself mad more so with the devil and this horrible thing called sin that causes all evil then with God but I have questioned Him. The last thing I want to do is pretend that I am some saint who has went through this and been a perfect person because that is far from the truth. And if you have been through this I'm sure you can relate and if not good job for you, you are farther along then I am. I have a spirit and I am sometimes lead by that but lets get real I'm still trapped in this flesh and am lead by that at times too. I have bouts of anger, depression, frustration, peace, calm, joy, and everything in between. The Lord has given me His peace that surpasses understanding through this and for that I am so grateful. I am still sad because I so wanted this baby and had dreams of having him and holding him and kissing him but I will never experience that this side of life. With this I know that the Lord uses everything for good for those who love Him. I cant say that I know of anything good that can come from this but if theses posts and blogs can help any women or man who is going through this then I will say that is good. I know how thankful I am to all of the women who shared their stories. With that said if there is any women who is reading this because they are going through this and have any questions or need someone to talk to please don't hesitate I am here. I can give you a much more detailed account of what I went thought if it will help you any or answer any question you might have no matter how personal. With that said I would also like to thank everyone who has helped me through this and who has been there for me and my family it is greatly appreciated. Words cannot express my gratitude all I can say is thank you so much God for putting these people in my life. I am so grateful and thankful for my husband who has been so loving and supportive. My two wonderful girls who I am so grateful for and love with a different intensity now. Also my wonderful sister Amber, I love you sweetie and miss you so much. And my church family who has been here for me as well, your all so awesome. I Love you so much and cant wait to see you again Abel Bedgood.
Mood: None, or other
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9:05 AM   [14 Apr 2014 | Monday]

Are You Serious

So I started cramping a bit more and got excited thinking that this was going to happen but it seems that wasn't the plan. It was around 4oclock so we decided we would just go to church since nothing was happening. We ate and got ready. It was raining out and on the road to church a power line was down so a cop was out signaling traffic. We weren't sure what he was trying to get us to do so my husband slowed down but didn't stop and I rolled my window down and the cop yelled slow down which my husband thought he was being rude in his tone of voice so he laughed at him and keep going. (We all make mistakes and don't always portray ourselves in a Christian light, we are all guilty of it, sometimes we pay for that mistake and sometimes we don't. In this case I would later pay the price for that.) I had a feeling that the cop was going to follow us and turns out he did. He pulled us over and since the car is in my name it pulled up my record too. I had a traffic ticket that I had not paid yet so there was an warrant out for my arrest! Yes I know this sounds like something out of a movie but I assure you it is unfortunately all real. I was taken to his squad car and told to have a seat and wait for him to call it in. It took a few minutes then he informed me and my husband that my bail(which was the price of the ticket plus some fees) was 500 dollars and that I would be taken to the Winnabago county jail and booked then he could bond me out. I was a bit annoyed that my husband had to laugh and this had to happen. I just wanted to go to church now I was headed to jail. Are you serious? When it rains it pours I'm telling you. Then the cop tells me that he had to handcuff me since he is taking me to jail. So here I am this Christian girl who is going through a miscarriage just trying to go to church and then I'm a social deviant going to jail over a traffic ticket! (I know I should have just paid it but when you don't have the money that's not an option) As a previous prison guard in the Army I had been in handcuffs before but it was just when we were practicing now this was very different and uncomfortable. So here we go to the jail. I decided that if this was what was going to happen I know God works everything for good so I'm going to evangelized to this officer. So I did. It turns out that his family was Jewish and he was a Jew but not a practicing Jew. So I said well that's good so your not completely opposed to Jesus and he said no. We talked some more and I told him all Jesus had done for me and my family and thanks to Jesus doing a work in my husband, my husband lead me to the Lord. He sounded really interested in what I was saying so who knows. I did invite him to church for Easter so hopefully we will see him there. When we got to the jail I was taken in and booked. It was miserable all of this over a traffic ticket. You have got to kidding me. After being transferred to a different room I was booked and then had to wait for all the paperwork to go through to get bonded out. There was two other men in there. One was completely out of his mind. He walked by and told me he was in there for telling a girl he was going to kill her but he was just joking now she is going to be scared of him! Ok so this guy definitely had some mental issues to say the least and some demons to say the worst. I told God while I was sitting there if you really want me to witness to him I will but I'm going to be honest with you God I really don't want to he is really creepy. But to my luck and great appreciation he didn't he wanted me to witness to this other man that was in there. He was having a lot of trouble getting a hold of someone and needed someone to help loan him some money. I told him I couldn't do that, we were doing good to get me out but that I could pray with him if he would let me. He said sure I can use all the help I can get. So I prayed for him and then he was telling me a bit more about what was going on. He was telling me how tired he was of everything. I then asked him if I could tell him my story. He said sure. I told him what was going on with my baby and how I was in here. I asked him if he had a relationship with Jesus and he said he did. I told him that if he asked God for peace then he would give it to him, that He has given it to me through all this and people of the world look and don't understand because they don't have that peace. I told him that if it turned out that he had to stay in jail tonight that sometimes God uses situations like this to talk to us and to take the time and opportunity to be alone with the Lord and really seek Him. After that one of the officers came and got me to be released after two and a half hours. I was so glad and thankful, I'm telling you orange flip flops are not my style. My husband was waiting for me and was upset all this had happen. We then left and went home. What a night. After getting home we went to sleep then at 3:30 I woke up to use the bathroom then lay back down to realize I was having contractions. They were 2 minutes apart and lasted about 30 seconds. I decided to go take a bath around 4 to ease the pain and in case something happen. I stayed there for a while then went back to bed I guess my body wasn't ready. I woke up this morning at 7:45 having more painful contractions but still nothing. I believe today will be the day. I hope so.
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12:39 PM   [13 Apr 2014 | Sunday]

Trying To Speed Things Along

So after coming home from the doctor I did a lot of research on how to naturally speed this along. I found some really helpful websites and some that made me quite mad and upset. Some of the good sites are: http://www.lovenaturalbirth.com/miscarriage-stories-toni.html this is the same site but the main page so you can read other ladies stories too: http://www.lovenaturalbirth.com/miscarriage-stories.html this one is a really good blog but I must warn you she has pictures of her miscarried babies so if you don't think you could handle that don't go to this one: http://thisgirl-amanda.blogspot.com/ this too is a good one but it also has pictures: http://lostinnocentsorthodox.blogspot.com/ this story is one of my favorites and is the first one I looked at after accepting this she too has pictures: http://www.lifenews.com/2013/09/23/amazing-photos-of-nathan-miscarried-at-14-weeks-show-unborn-babys-humanity/ this is good too: http://thelewisnote.blogspot.com/2012/01/kristins-story-miscarriage-at-20-weeks.html. At first I was a little weirder out about the idea of pictures but then I was so grateful that these women had shared such a personal thing with others. It was so helpful to me to see these babies so that I was prepared and knew what to expect. So to every lady that has shared your story or your pictures thank you so much and know that you have been a blessing to other women and you have helped us in a time of need, God will bless you for that. While looking up how to speed this along I found sites of women trying to have abortions naturally and that really bothered me. I could not help myself so on one of them I created an account just to tell them how I felt about what they were doing (don't worry I was tactful and keep it Christian even though part of me wanted to be so mean) Then I found some sites about speeding up things naturally when you are actually miscarrying and read that taking high doses of vitamin c and drinking parsley tea will help. So after the doctors appointment Wednesday the 9th I started taking vitamin C. The next day I started the parsley tea. All the things I read said different things about the dosage for vitamin C. I started out taking 6000 mg a day spaced out about every hour and a half or so. I drank at least three cups of parsley tea. For the vitamin c it has to be just ascorbic acid it cannot have any bioflavonoids in it like rosehip. With the parsley tea you can use either fresh parsley that is washed or you can use dried parsley that is probably in you cabinet. All the things I read said to use two tablespoons of fresh and two teaspoons of dried. I tried that for the first two days but it really wasn't doing anything so I started adding more. Well its been 4 days and I am confused. You would think that the more you are up and moving the better to get things going but I have found that to not be true for me. Since Friday morning when I get up in the morning I notice that I am bleeding but as the morning goes on I stop and don't bleed anymore until the next morning. So it seems that if I lay down and sleep then I bleed but if I'm up and doing stuff I don't. Very confusing. I have never delivered early or on time with my two girls they were both late and I am thinking this baby is going to be too. On Monday the 14th it will be 20 weeks into this pregnancy and this baby passed at 13 weeks so its been 7 weeks! But today I am having a bit more painful cramps and my hips are hurting so that is normally a good sign. So we shall see!
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12:24 PM   [10 Apr 2014 | Thursday]

On The Same Page

I was able to speak to my general doctor who transferred me to a different doctor. I was wanting to go to a group of midwives but their office wouldn't accept me with what was going on because if I needed the D&C a OB doctor would have to perform that. So I was sent to the group of OB doctors that are in the same health system as the midwives so I can see them when this is all over which is nice. It was quite a headache getting this all figured out. I was scared that something would happen in that time period and I wouldn't know what hospital to go to if I needed to go to one. They finally called and let me know that the OB doctor had accepted me and that I had an appointment the next day on Wednesday the 9th. The day before the appointment I was talking to my husband and wanted to know if I started bleeding was he then going to talk to me about this and he said I will stop believing when the baby is out. That bothered me so I said to him that in the Bible every time someone was brought back to life it was instant or every time someone was healed it was instant, why should this be different we have seen now three times that this baby is not alive it had been 6 weeks since it passed and nothing, and we have been praying for 4 weeks. To me this didn't line up with the Bible, I felt that if it was going to happen then it would have already happened. If we were praying for someone who had died that wasn't in my stomach but here on the outside how long would we pray for them to come back to life? A few hours, days, 4 weeks? A few hours maybe even a few days but you would have to eventually prepare things and the body would not stay for that long it would need to be buried. Now don't get me wrong I know that Jesus raised Lazerus from the grave but they didn't keep his body out until Jesus got there they did the normal procedure for the dead. I know all things are possible with God but that doesn't mean that all things are going to happen. I think we all know that to be true. I know we all have prayed for things and it didn't happen the way we wanted or we didn't get the answer we wanted. That is how it works sometimes. That is when you have to say well my prayer wasn't answered the way I wanted but I still love you and surrender to your sovereignty Lord. After talking to my husband I was a bit frustrated and upset so I got up and walked away. I went into the bathroom(the only place I can escape to for a few seconds of privacy, you moms I'm sure can understand) I was upset and crying and prayed to God and said to Him, Lord if this baby is going to come back to life and that is your plan then make my husband continue to not support me and to believe for this and I will know that this is your will, but if you are not going to bring this baby back then please let my husband support me and I will know that is your will for the baby. I prayed this in my head because I didn't want any stupid demon hearing me and trying to influence my husband in any way. I went out of the bathroom and a few minutes later my husband wanted to talk to me but because of the girls I didn't get a chance to so a little while later we went to bed. We were laying there when he said to me I want to talk to you so I asked him what was up. He said these three simple words to me, I support you and that's it. I asked him what did he mean by that just to make sure. He said that I can talk to him about things and that I was right about what I had said earlier about the healings in the Bible. I was so excited that I could talk to him about this. God is so great. I was very thankful for that answered prayer. I later told my husband what I had prayed for and I asked God to let him support me and that was his exact words, I support you. How awesome is that. I love when God works like that. The next day was our appointment. The doctor was a man which didn't excite me at all. I really wanted a women. We went to the doctor's office which was 50 minutes away! When the doctor came in and after talking to him I was very pleased with him. He was very considerate and understanding of what we wanted to do. I did not want the cytotec and I really didn't want the D&C. I felt that what was best for me was to do this naturally so that I would be able to process everything and experience it. I felt like a D&C would make it feel unreal for me. I know everyone is different and I have read so many stories of other women getting the D&C and some taking the cytotec and they were happy with their experience but all women are different and all women need different things and I needed to do this naturally (with maybe the exception of pain medicine if needed). The doctor wanted to do an exam and check to see if I was effaced or dilated and to do an ultrasound to confirm that there was no heartbeat. I asked if there was any women there to do the physical exam but there wasn't so we skipped on the exam. I only allow a man down there for emergencies only and this wasn't. We did go in for the ultrasound and there still wasn't anything. No heartbeat or movement and the baby still measured at 13 weeks. That sucked I still had that bit of hope in me that we would see this baby moving around perfectly healthy and alive but things don't always go the way we want. We left and went home. I have read that taking high doses of vitamin c and drinking parsley tea will help speed up the process so I started that. I am taking 6000 mg of vitamin c a day(spaced out during the day not all at once) and drinking at least 3 cups of parsley tea a day). For any lady that is reading this because she is going through this and wants to go the natural way I will describe how I am doing it and what results I am getting.
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12:51 PM   [09 Apr 2014 | Wednesday]

Preparation With A Stuggle

After I surrendered to what I felt like was reality I had to understand that my husband did not see that as reality. He was still believing that this baby was going to come back to life. I had an appointment for Thursday the 3rd but had canceled it but once I started having blood in the discharge I decided that I should reschedule. I got an appointment for Monday the 7th. At that time I began to accept that this baby was not going to live that this baby was in heaven with The Lord and that he was going to stay there. I began to do a lot of research on what to expect with a natural miscarriage and to actually allow myself to grieve. This whole time I had not allowed myself to do that since I didn't believe that I was going to lose this baby. It was a very hard time for me. I needed someone to talk to but I couldn't talk to my husband about it because he was not accepting death. He was the one person that I needed more then anyone for so many different reasons. He was the one losing this baby too and we needed to discuss what was going to happen with that. I also needed to talk about what to expect with the option we had chose. But most importantly I needed my husband, my covenant partner, my one flesh. I felt so alone at this time. Time came for our appointment and I asked him what we were going to do if there wasn't a heart beat and he wouldn't answer me he keep saying that there was going to be a heartbeat. I told him that I respect his decision and I admired him for his faith but man it was so hard to do this. I felt we needed to discuss what we wanted to do and how we were going to proceed. He was still standing in faith but I had accepted that the baby wasn't going to live. We went to the doctor and she came in and my husband asked her if she would check to see if there was a heartbeat. She looked at him and sighed and said its pointless. We were both quite shocked at how rude she was. He then asked her can you just check so she sighed and checked anyway. There wasn't a heartbeat so the doctor told us that our options are to continue natural but to take a pill called cytotec to help me along or to go for the D&C. I looked at my husband and asked him what he thought and he was clearly angry and said its up to you. I asked the doctor if they could allow me to come to the hospital and be induced and deliver there. She said they don't do that until 20 weeks which didn't make sense to me. She said I could take the medicine if I didn't want the D&C and when I started bleeding then come to the hospital. I said ok for the medicine even though I didn't have intentions of taking it just so she would leave me be. My husband went to the car and I scheduled an appointment for a week later. I went to the car and my husband was mad at me because he thought that I was going to take the medicine and he was believing for life. I told him that I didn't plan on taking it at all. I looked up the medicine to find out that it isn't approved by the FDA for inducing labor that it can kill the mom and baby and that it is dangerous. It was made for ulcers. After the appointment I was not happy with our doctor for her attitude and her trying to give me that drug. I canceled my appointment and I called to change my doctor.
Mood: None, or other
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